Boners

Boner Candidates June 14, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND I HAD A GOOD REASON TO COMMIT THIS VIOLENT ASSAULT AGAINST YOU

Rapists don’t generally call 9-1-1 on themselves, but that is exactly what Joel Jones did after viciously attacking a woman at knifepoint. After the rape, Jones told the victim that he did it to get put back in jail so that he could get at those who shot and killed his 14-year old son. He met the victim when she answered a Craigslist ad to work for his cleaning company. He lured her to an office building with the ruse of her getting the job, and when she got there, he raped her at knifepoint. On Thursday, he was convicted and sentenced to 25 years for armed sexual battery. He will not be eligible for parole or early release until then. Considering he is 49 years old now, chances are good he will never see the light of day again. “This case is not really about what someone did to your child, but what you did to someone else’s child,” the judge told Jones. “The things that you did to her were completely beyond the realm of what a human being should do to another human being.”

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Boner Candidate #2: PERHAPS A GOOD SHOOTER WILL WIN THESE GUNS

One day after the worst mass shooting in American history, Tennessee State Rep. Andy Holt (R) said he plans to give away two AR-15 assault rifles — the same kind of weapon used in the massacre — as a “door prize” at an upcoming political fundraiser. Holt, a self-described conservative Christian, had announced last week that he would give away one AR-15 at “Hogfest,” a barbeque fundraiser on his farm that has a petting zoo and hay rides. But when reporters asked him after the Orlando, Florida, shooting on Sunday whether he still planned to give away the assault weapon, he told reporters that he now wants to give away two instead of one. “I’m furious that I get phone calls from the media asking me if I’m still going to give away an AR-15 at our HogFest, rather than asking me how many extra firearms I’ll be handing out to ensure people can protect themselves,” Holt wrote in a Facebook post on Monday. “After all, it was a bullet that stopped the terrorist. Amazing how so many seem to miss that fact.”

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Boner Candidate #3: MAN, SENATOR PERDUE REALLY HATES THE PRESIDENT

On Friday, “religious” conservatives, people supposedly of faith, met at the Faith and Freedom Coalition to spew the kind of hatred which God surely never intended for His children. That hatred was laser-pointed at the President of the United States by Republican Sen. David Perdue of Georgia, who recited the beginning of Psalm 109 — a terrifying biblical curse against a leader. It begins with “Let his days be few and let another take his office,” and ends with unspeakable harm to his widow and orphaned children. While Perdue let those passages remain unspoken, the audience knew them and broke out into guffaws of delight. Welcome to the U.S. of hate, God-fearing Americans! Do you hate President Obama as much as Perdue? Why? Because he’s black? No?

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