Boners

Boner Candidates May 10, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THAT PADDLE THERE? THAT BELONGS TO THE JUDGE.

An Arkansas judge accused by a state panel of trading sentence reductions for sex with young defendants has resigned, legal documents released on Monday showed. Joseph Boeckmann of state district court in Wynne, Arkansas, was suspended over the scandal in November by the Arkansas Supreme Court, which has jurisdiction over the state’s lower courts. He was accused of issuing “substitutionary sentences” to certain defendants, and offering sentence reductions or dismissals to others, all allegedly to entice them into sexual relations. The Arkansas Judicial Discipline and Disability Commission, charged with overseeing judges, said in the documents made public on Monday that it had recovered more than 1,000 images of nude or semi-nude young men from thejudge’s home computer. Many of the men were photographed at the judge‘s home, the commission said, adding it anticipated uncovering more than 3,000 similar pictures.

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Boner Candidate #2: ANTI GOVERNMENT? AMMON BUNDY? NO WAY!

Ammon Bundy intended the takeover of an Oregon wildlife refuge to lead to a civil court taking up the constitutionality of federal land-management policy, according to court documents filed Monday. The 40-year-old leader of the occupation didn’t expect arrests and indictments, documents said. Instead, Bundy thought the government would issue a refuge eviction claim, The Oregonian/OregonLive reported. Bundy is now asking in documents for the indictments to be dismissed, arguing the federal government lacks jurisdiction over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. His lawyers in the 33-page motion say Bundy isn’t an extremist or a member of any militia and doesn’t hold anti-government views. “Defendant Ammon Bundy organized his fellow citizens in protest of the expansive and unsupported interpretation of the Constitution that purports to allow the federal government to own and control more territory, and exercise jurisdiction over more land in the Western States, than the States themselves,” lawyers Lissa Casey and Mike Arnold wrote in the motion.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHERE DID THAT HOLE COME FROM?

A Deltona man shot himself while cleaning a handgun but did not discover the bullet hole in his arm until three days later when he changed shirts, Volusia County sheriff’s deputies said. Deputies were called to Florida Hospital Fish Memorial in Orange City on Saturday where Michael Blevins, 37, had checked himself after discovering the bullet wound, investigators said. Blevins told deputies that on Thursday he was cleaning a .22 caliber pistol in the living room of his Whitewood Drive home, a report stated. Blevins could not be reached Monday as his voicemail was full. The Deltona resident told deputies he held the gun against his chest so his dog wouldn’t jump up near it. But as Blevins stood up he felt a sharp pain, causing his back to give out, and he fell face down. Blevins said he heard a loud gunshot and then he hit his face against the edge of a glass coffee table, the report said. Blevins said he did not feel any pain from the gunshot, possibly because of the medicine he takes for an old back injury, and only felt pain above his left eyebrow that got cut when he hit the table, deputies said.

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