Boners

Boner Candidates May 11, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: WE WANT YOUR TRUST

The Utah Transit Authority, now in the midst of a campaign to improve transparency and build public trust, is moving its board committee meetings behind closed doors. UTA recently announced reforms intended to bolster public confidence, including inviting more public comment and making all final decisions in open meetings of the full board. The announcement contained no mention of plans to close committee meetings, where UTA officials generally have worked through issues to the point that final approval by the full board usually occurs without debate. The Salt Lake Tribune discovered the policy shift Tuesday when it asked the agency why it had not sent or posted agendas for committee meetings previously scheduled for Wednesday. UTA spokesman Remi Barron emailed the explanation that because of recent reforms to move any final decisions from committees to the full board, “the previous committee meetings will now become informal work sessions and are not required to be open meetings.”

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Boner Candidate #2: SPORTS BUILDS CHARACTER

Members of the Grosse Ile High School lacrosse team are under investigation by police and the school district after allegations surfaced Monday that some of the teens killed an animal prior to a game. Grosse Ile Township Police Chief Joseph Porcerelli confirmed Tuesday to the Free Press that his department is investigating the incident involving the team, which is known as the Grosse Ile Red Devils. “Allegedly some of the team members got together before a game and killed an animal,” Porcerelli said in an e-mail. “This incident is an open investigation.” Citing the investigation, Porcerelli declined to release how many students were involved or more details about the killing. The incident did not happen on school grounds, he said. It’s unclear whether the act was committed by members of the school’s varsity team or its junior varsity team.

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Boner Candidate #3: DJ’S ARE SUCH CREATIVE PEOPLE

A DJ’s plan to win the war on drugs in South Africa is to make people break wind. Thabo Mahlare, 37, has called on teenagers to take part in an inaugural competition involving the taboo.  He has started the contest because the DJ, also known as ‘Behind Bars’, is so concerned about the level of drug abuse in Pretoria. Participants will be given eggs, castor oil and milk to help them produce the loudest sounds. Amazingly organizers will also be handing out diapers to anyone at risk of making a mess. So far only 11 people have signed up to the contest. Mr Mahlare told the Daily Sun he came up with the idea when he heard people in his area ‘farting a lot’.

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