Boners

Boner Candidates May 18, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: DO I REALLY HAVE TO SHOW MY BOOBS TO USE THE BATHROOM?

Aimee Toms says her story shows just how “amazingly ridiculous” the ongoing controversy over transgender bathroom use has become. The 22-year-old retail worker in Connecticut says she was harassed in a women’s bathroom at Walmart on Friday by somebody who called her “disgusting” and told her she “didn’t belong there,” the Connecticut Post reports. Toms, who has a pixie cut and was wearing a baseball cap that day, says she soon realized that she was being harassed because the woman had seen her from behind and mistakenly believed she was transgender. “If it really takes me pulling up my shirt and showing someone I grew these boobs myself for them to leave me alone in a restroom, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” she says in a Facebook post accompanying what she calls a “rant” about the incident. Toms says her hair is short at the moment because she has just donated hair—for the third time—to a charity that makes wigs for child cancer patients.

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Boner Candidate #2: CLOSE YOUR PORN TABS

Mike Webb is running for U.S. Congress in Virginia’s 8th district, and he would really appreciate your vote. He would also appreciate, judging from a screenshot uploaded to his Facebook page earlier today, a little alone time with the pages “IVONE SEXY AMATEUR” and “LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY.”* For over six (!) hours and counting now, Webb has had the below post sitting on his campaign page with porn tabs hanging out for all the world to see. Now, to be fair “IVONE SEXY AMATEUR” and “LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY” could be anything. Except that some quick googling reveals that, no, both of those are in fact pornographic videos. Which is fine! Curiosity is natural. Congratulations to the hopeful Congressman for sticking to his guns. But, you may be asking yourself, was this embarrassing bit of technological transparency worth his special alone time reward? Judging from the users’ responses…

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Boner Candidate #3: THE CHARITY IS ME!

IOWA CITY, Iowa —The president of a Christian charity in Iowa has admitted that he diverted nearly a half-million dollars in donations for personal use, including to pay for a sex addiction. Jon Petersen of Cedar Rapids pleaded guilty Monday to one count of filing a false tax return, under a plea agreement with prosecutors. He’s the president of World Ambassadors, Ltd., a nonprofit founded in 1993 to provide a Christian outreach to international students on college campuses. Prosecutors say Petersen diverted $475,000 received by the group to his personal checking account between 2010 and 2014 – virtually all its funding. The guilty plea concerned his 2013 tax filing when he failed to report $114,000 in income.

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