Boners

Boner Candidates May 6, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: RAPE HAS A SILVER LINING

Earlier this week, The Missouri House of Representatives approved a measure dubbed the “Personhood Bill” that creates a new constitutional amendment on the state ballot defining unborn fetuses as full “persons,” giving full legal rights to “unborn human children at every stage of biological development.” With the new amendment, the termination of an unborn fetus would be considered murder, making abortions a criminal action. This also includes some forms of birth control and contraceptives. A similar bill called the “All Lives Matter Act” was introduced by the current bill’s sponsor, Republican Representative Mike Moon. Moon is seeking protection for the unborn because he is a “former embryo.” Moon is also known for calling a special legislative session to stop “the potential Islamization of Missouri” and for demanding the impeachment of Democratic Governor Jay Nixon because he allowed same sex couples who were married in other states to file joint tax returns in the state of Missouri.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHEN SEX IS JUST TOO LOUD

A Pennsylvania woman says her family put up with the neighbor from hell for two years and “should have started calling the police a year ago.” On March 21, Red Lion police were indeed called and responded to reports that the neighbor, 25-year-old Amanda Marie Warfel, was “loudly fornicating and banging around her bedroom to the degree that the [victim’s] dresser and her own bed shook,” per an affidavit of probable cause. The York Daily Record spoke to Tanya Saylor about what she and her family—particularly her two teen daughters, whose bedroom shares a wall with Warfel’s bedroom—allegedly endured: not just loud music, but racist comments. And the sex. Saylor claims Warfel would describe what was happening so loudly her girls could hear. She says she’d hand her daughters headphones to wear as they went to bed.

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Boner Candidate #3: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU!? I’M NOT THE PEDRO MARTINEZ YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!

A Connecticut man is suing the city of Bridgeport and its police department after he was arrested three times and was detained in a repeated case of mistaken identity. The Connecticut Post reports Pedro Martinez filed the suit Tuesday in Bridgeport federal court following numerous run-ins with police officers who mistook him for another Pedro Martinez wanted in Texas. The lawsuit states that after Martinez’s third arrest in August 2015, Bridgeport officers refused to compare his fingerprints with the Martinez from Texas and kept him in custody. Martinez was arraigned on criminal charges, but was later released by a Superior Court judge because his fingerprints didn’t match the wanted man.

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