Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for December 12th, 2018

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: I TOOK THOSE PHOTOS FOR A MEDICAL STUDY.

Los Angeles police found pictures of nude women, some taken in medical exam rooms, inside a storage unit owned by the disgraced University of Southern California gynecologist accused of sexually abusing over 200 patients. Detectives found a trove of homemade pornography and the smaller set of photos of unclothed women in exam rooms when they searched 71-year-old George Tyndall’s storage unit last Spring, LAPD Capt. Billy Hayes told The Los Angeles Times. “The photographs are compromising,” Hayes said. The images, which seem to span three decades, have become part of the investigation into Tyndall, who has been accused by 234 current and former USC students of sexual misconduct, including making crude comments, taking inappropriate photos and forcing victims to strip naked in order to grope them under the guise of medical treatment. The doctor has claimed he never had sexual thoughts about patients or used his camera in the exam room for anything other than medical purposes.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: MALE PARTS. FEMALE TENDENCIES.

A woman is suing employees of a Florida jail after they allegedly forced her to spend several hours in a cell surrounded by dozens of men, because they suspected she was transgender. The Miami Herald reports 55-year-old Fior Pichardo de Veloz had come to Miami from the Dominican Republic to witness the birth of her grandchild in 2013, when she was arrested at the airport on an outstanding drug charge. Her arrest report listed her as female and Pichardo de Veloz was booked into the Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center and processed as a woman. She was even strip searched. Due to her history of high blood pressure, Pichardo de Veloz was examined by a nurse as a precaution. The nurse saw she had been taking hormone pills and questioned her about her gender.  Despite Pichardo de Veloz’s denial of being a man, the nurse added a note to her file that read: “Transgender, male parts, female tendencies.” The nurse notified a doctor, who reclassified Pichardo de Veloz as male without an examination, according to an appeals court opinion. Pichardo was transferred to the Metro West Detention Center, an all-male jail, and shared a cell with about 40 men, who jeered at her yelling “Mami! Mami!”, according to the newspaper. She was there for 10 hours and said she was terrified to go to the bathroom and “urinated on herself instead.”

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: THERE’S DIRTY UNDERPANTS IN MY UBEREATS

Most people tend to be understanding if delivered food arrives a bit cold or isn’t exactly right – but when it comes with a side of soiled underpants? It allegedly happened to a man in Florida, who wants people to know what can happen to food between when you order it and when it gets to you. “Who thinks that you’re going to get delivered somebody’s dirty underwear?” said Leo, an Uber Eats customer who asked that his last name not be used. The answer to his question, of course, is no one. But Leo said that’s exactly what happened Sunday night when he opened his Uber Eats order. “Disgusting, unhealthful. It’s potentially deadly,” he said. Leo was in town for the Art Basel exhibition. Just before 10 p.m., he decided to order some dinner from a nearby Japanese restaurant. When it arrived, he walked outside his hotel to pick it up from the Uber Eats driver. “I grabbed the food, and right when I got the food, she took off running, and I was like, ‘That was kind of odd,’” he said. Back in his hotel room, he opened the plastic bag. His food was there, but sitting next to it was a pair of thigh-length underwear, clearly stained with what looked like feces. Disgusted, Leo called Uber, the restaurant and the police department. Uber said in a statement: “What’s been reported is very concerning. We are reviewing this order and reaching out to all parties to help understand what may have occurred. The courier has been removed from the app pending investigation.” The company also gave Leo a full refund on his order.

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: I GOT MY GOV. CHECK AND BOUGHT SOME CRACK. I LIKE COMPANY SO I OPENED THE DOOR. BUT THEN THE GUY STOLE MY PHONE. I DIDN’T CALL POLICE CAUSE I WAS BUSY. I THINK HE LIVES IN CHICAGO.

A Peoria resident complained to police after his phone was stolen while planning to buy drugs with his “government check.” On Thursday, a 62-year-old North Valley man called police to relate a misbegotten series of events. On Monday, he received his “government check” for $700 and immediately “went to buy drugs,” according to a Peoria police report. He went back to his apartment to smoke crack cocaine, during which time he heard a rap at the door, the report stated. At first, he ignored the knocking, then decided to answer the door “because he likes to have company,” the report said. The visitor was an acquaintance, who then joined the resident in smoking crack, the report stated. The visitor said he knew where to get more crack, if the resident could provide $60. As the resident pulled out his wad of bills, the visitor snatched the cash and tried to flee, the report stated. However, the resident grabbed the visitor, put him in a leg lock and got the money back, the report stated. However, during the tussle, the visitor whacked the resident several times and somehow got hold of his cellphone before managing to break free and run away, the report stated. The resident does not know anything about the visitor except that his name is Chris and he lives in Chicago. Asked why he waited three days to call police about the theft, the resident said he had been busy smoking crack.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: THAT CANNIBAL CORPSE GUY’S HOUSE IS EXPLODING, MAN.

One of the most popular death metal guitarists in the country has been arrested after a Northdale home caught fire with exploding ammunition inside. The massive fire broke out Monday night at a home on Norwood Drive near Roseberry Lane. Deputies say Pat O’Brien, a Tampa-based death metal guitarist, lives in the home. Hillsborough County firefighters were able to get the fire under control after about an hour but struggled with the ammunition inside exploding due to the flames. “It was crazy. It was crazy. It was like the end of a fireworks display. Really crazy. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop.  That loud bang. It was crazy,” said neighbor Caroline North. Crews remained at the scene throughout the night and kept the road blocked off long after the fire was put out. “An across the street neighbor who knows him said he has a flame thrower or something. And he practices with it. I don’t know if it was purposely or stupidly,” North said. Around the same time the house caught fire, the sheriff’s office got a call about a burglary in progress at a nearby home on Windflower Circle. An arrest report shows O’Brien went in the house without permission and ignored orders from the family to leave. A sheriff’s office supervisor says O’Brien pushed a woman down inside the house then went into the backyard. Deputies responding to the burglary found O’Brien hiding behind a fence near the home. They say O’Brien charged at them with a knife. Deputies then used a Taser to take him down.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: THE THIEVING NUNS

Two nuns who formerly worked at St. James Catholic School in Torrance, California, confessed to embezzling at least $500,000 from the school so that they could gamble it away at Las Vegas casinos, the Archdiocese of Los Angeles said at a meeting with parents and alumni on Monday. Sister Mary Margaret Kreuper, who worked as the school principal for 28 years, and Sister Lana Chang, a teacher at the school for 20 years, reportedly bilked the funds over a period of at least a decade, the Press-Telegram reported. The sisters, described as best friends, both retired earlier this year. Officials made the discovery in June after performing a routine audit following Kreuper’s retirement. The Rev. Michael Meyers, the church’s monsignor, said Kreuper was “very nervous and anxious” during the audit and she reportedly asked staff members to change school records. Meyers reported it to the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, who hired their own auditor. The auditor found that tuition checks, fees and donations were being deposited into a bank account not used by the school. The sisters later confessed to using the funds for themselves. “We do know that they had a pattern of going on trips. We do know they had a pattern of going to casinos, and the reality is, they used the account as their personal account,” an attorney told parents and alumni at Monday’s meeting. Church officials said they did not wish to press charges against the sisters, who both expressed remorse. Police will still present the case to the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office, NBC reported.

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