Boners

Boner Candidates for October 12, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: ABOUT THE GHOSTS? DID THEY ARREST THE GHOSTS?

A Colfax man asked a Grant Parish Sheriff’s deputy to arrest the ghosts inside his home after the man’s suspicious behavior was reported, according to a release. The sheriff’s office had received a call about a man walking in his yard, wearing only a bath towel, carrying a large knife and talking to trees. Cpl. Blake Arrant went to the house in the 100 block of Lemoine Cutoff Road to find David Brittain Maxwell, 26, on his front porch. Maxwell told Arrant “that there were people in the tops of the trees and ghosts inside of his house,” reads the release. “After further investigation, Corporal Arrant determined that the man was under the influence of drugs, and drugs were found inside of the home.”

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Boner Candidate #2: YES, THIS MAN IS ACTUALLY A GOVERNOR

North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory said during a debate Tuesday that transgender Olympian Caitlyn Jenner better plan on using the men’s bathroom if she visits the state. McCrory, continuing his defense of the state’s sweeping anti-LGBT law, blamed “liberals” for “a major change in culture” that forced Republicans to respond with the legislation.  “In the private sector in North Carolina, she can go wherever the private sector wants her to,” McCrory, a Republican, said of Jenner, who as Bruce Jenner won Olympic gold 40 years ago. “If she’s going to a shower facility at [University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill] after running around the track, she’s going to use the men’s shower.”

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Boner Candidate #3: YES, THIS MAN ACTUALLY HAS A RADIO PROGRAM

So it’s come to this: the president of the United States publicly denying he’s a demon, as conspiracy theorists have suggested. President Barack Obama on Tuesday took a break from eviscerating Republican nominee Donald Trump and the GOP to respond to bizarre allegations raised this week by right-wing radio host Alex Jones. “There’s a guy on the radio who apparently … said me and Hillary are demons,” Obama said during a rally for Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in Greensboro, North Carolina. “Said we smell like sulfur. Ain’t that something!” Then, pausing, Obama smelled his wrist, just to make sure he wasn’t missing any devilish odors.

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