Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 1st, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: YOU NEED POCKETS IN YOUR PANTIES.

If you’re into the “weird denim” trend (or, like me, just profoundly perplexed by it), you know by now that there’s a lot of options to choose from. From triple waistband jeans (!!!) that are basically the equivalent of denim inception to upside-down shorts only a Demogorgon could love, there’s no shortage of bizarre jeans on the market. And now, thanks to Y/Project, we can add literal underwear to the list of weird denim trends of our time. However, it’s not just the confusing concept that has the internet talking, but the price tag. Y/Project’s Navy Denim Panties, available via Ssense, can be purchased for a cool $315. I don’t know about you, but I have never bought underwear for anything close to that price, let alone undies that are jeans. Let me reiterate: They’re jeans! They even have pockets! I just have so many questions here.

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Boner Candidate #2: I DIDN’T WANT MY PIG TO GET COLD

A Minnesota sheriff’s office encountered a couple of true road hogs earlier this week. A driver who was pulled over for having trouble staying in his lane turned out to be operating the vehicle with a 250-pound pig on his lap, Sgt. Jason Foster told Minneapolis news station KMSP-TV. He also had a smaller pig with him. Both pigs can be seen in a photo posted to social media by the Chisago County Sheriff’s Office. The smaller pig appears to be standing next to the driver’s seat, behind the larger pig’s leg. In the post, the sheriff’s office noted that its officers have encountered plenty of drivers distracted by things like cellphones, food or changing the radio station, but catching someone driving with a lap pig “was a first.” The man’s erratic driving was apparently caused by the larger pig leaning against the steering wheel. Foster told the TV station that the man had his pigs on his lap because he was moving to another part of the state and didn’t want the pigs to get cold on the journey. The sergeant let the driver off with a warning.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE GOVERNMENT CAUSE MY PSYCHOSIS.

Notorious conspiracy theorist Alex Jones claims a “form of psychosis” caused him to believe that the Sandy Hook massacre was staged. For years Jones, the founder of InfoWars.com, peddled a conspiracy theory about the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, where a gunman brutally killed 20 children and six adults in 2012. Jones has repeatedly claimed the massacre was a “giant hoax” carried out by “crisis actors” in a broad scheme to trample on Second Amendment rights. In a video released Friday, Jones acknowledged in a sworn deposition stemming from a lawsuit filed by the families of Sandy Hook victims that the school shooting was in fact real. Jones blamed the “trauma of the media and the corporations lying so much” for triggering his extreme distrust in news and information. “And I, myself, have almost had like a form of psychosis back in the past where I basically thought everything was staged, even though I’ve now learned a lot of times things aren’t staged,” he said. “So I think as a pundit, someone giving an opinion, that, you know, my opinions have been wrong, but they were never wrong consciously to hurt people.”

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HOW MANY MEXICAN COUNTRIES ARE THERE?

Boner Candidate #2: I WAS MAKING SURE IT WAS A MILKSHAKE AND NOT A MALT

A doorbell camera captured a DoorDash delivery driver appearing to take a sip of the very milkshake he’s about to deliver to a Stockton home. The Malhotras didn’t know what had happened until the next morning when they checked the footage. “I looked at it, ‘Hey, the guy who delivered the food was sipping out of my son’s Cold Stone,'” said homeowner Rajesh Malhotra. Malhotra said he likes buying delivery items but now he’s going to think twice before placing his next order. “(I thought), ‘Whoa, that’s crazy.’ I mean, how can someone jeopardize the product like that, especially the food?”Malhotra said. It was Malhotra’s 14-year-old son who answered the door. “I felt really disgusted about what had happened,” said Rishab Malhotra. He told FOX40 he enjoyed his cookies and cream milkshake until the next day when he learned he wasn’t the only one who tried his drink. “Then my dad told me to check out the video from last night and once I checked it out I brushed five, six times. I felt really disgusted,” Rishab said. The Malhotras say they’re glad no one got sick from the incident but the experience left them with a sour taste. “We have trust between the company and the drivers,” Rajesh Malhotra said. “Once that trust is broken, we can’t go back.” Now all they want is an apology from DoorDash and a promise it won’t happen again to someone else. “They just need proper training and then an apology, ‘Hey, what you did was wrong.’ And we want to make sure he doesn’t do that to other people,” Rajesh Malhotra said.

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Boner Candidate #3: STICK TO SPACE AND ELECTRIC CARS

Erratic Tesla CEO Elon Musk just released a rap song paying tribute to a dead gorilla. The SpaceX executive dropped the auto-tuned nearly 2-minute track titled “RIP Harambe” Saturday on SoundCloud under the music label “Emo G Records.” Harambe was a Cincinnati Zoo gorilla killed in 2016 after a 3-year-old boy climbed into its enclosure. “RIP Harambe, sipping on some Bombay, we on our way to heaven, Amen, Amen,” Musk appears to rap. “RIP Harambe/ smoking on some strong hay/ in the gorilla zoo and we thinking about you,” he continues. The song had been listened to over 300,000 times as of Sunday afternoon.

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