Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for August 22, 2019

ROUND ONE

 

BONER CANDIDATE #1: I PUT HIS BOYS IN A PINK CONTAINER

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested on Monday following a botched castration attempt on an individual he met via a dark web fetish site, police say. According to jail inmate records, Gary Van Ryswyk, of Sebring, was detained by officers from the Highlands County Sheriff’s Office on Monday and charged with practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily injury, a second-degree felony. Deputies arrived at the man’s Orday Road residence shortly before midnight Sunday after a 911 hang-up call. The door was answered by Van Ryswyk, who told them he had castrated a man, 53. The man was found on a bed in the home bleeding heavily from the groin. Close by, a pink container contained his testicles, deputies said. The room had been set up like a surgical center, complete with medical equipment and painkillers. A camera had also been set up to record the procedure, but it was not immediately clear if it was filming. Van Ryswyk admitted he met the victim, who has not been named, on a website on the dark web site dedicated to eunuch fetishism. Van Ryswyk told the man that he had previously conducted castrations on animals and had removed one of his own testicles back in 2012, the Highlands County Sheriff’s Office said in a release posted to Facebook yesterday. Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #2: COACH JUST WANTS THEM BOYS TO TOUGHEN UP

MARSHALL COUNTY, Ala. – A north Alabama superintendent is standing behind a head football coach after parent complaints about player discipline. Our investigative team is looking into allegations that Douglas football coach Jamison Wadley directed his team to do physical discipline that led to injuries. Parents told WHNT News 19 the Douglas High School football team was instructed to do bear crawls, which is a full-body exercise, walking on all fours on Monday morning.Parents and players told us coaches told the players to perform those bear crawls across asphalt the length of the football field and back. Concerned parents contacted WHNT News 19 after pictures of injuries to players hands began circulating online. “It’s horrible — it hurts me just to see them,” said Stephen Stone, whose son was among those players.  “I want the school to do something to ensure the parents that their children can go to school and be safe.” Stone believes the coaches went too far in their discipline to the players. “You can’t inflict harm and physical injury upon our children and think we’re just going to turn a blind eye.” Other parents we spoke to who declined to go on camera say discipline like this is necessary to toughen up the players and prepare them for success. Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #3: NOT A GOOD HIDING PLACE FOR CRACK

A five-year-old boy unknowingly brought cocaine to kindergarten in a New Orleans suburb, leading to the arrest of a man and a woman, police said Wednesday. A teacher saw the child holding a bag of a white powder Tuesday and called in the school resource officer, who found one bag of powdered cocaine and two of crack cocaine, Slidell police spokesman Daniel Seuzeneau said. The boy clearly knew nothing about the drugs, Seuzeneau said. Investigators who searched the child’s home found marijuana and more cocaine, and believe the adults tried to hide drugs in pockets of the boy’s stored clothing, he said in a telephone interview. ‘The theory is they were hiding it in the child’s clothing with the anticipation that if police did come to their house the last place they would look was in the kid’s clothing,’ he said. Angelica Stanley, 23, and Ellis Cousin, 51, were arrested on charges of cruelty to a juvenile, possessing drugs with intent to distribute them, and possessing drug paraphernalia, said Seuzeneau. ‘I believe they were live-in partners,’ he said. To protect the boy’s privacy and safety, Seuzeneau said, police aren’t releasing whether either adult was related to him, or how. He said he did not know whether Stanley and Cousin had attorneys who could speak for them. Seuzeneau wouldn’t say whether the boy was taken into state custody or turned over to a relative, but said steps were taken to ensure his well-being. ‘We definitely wouldn’t throw the child back into that environment again,’ Seuzeneau said. Read More

ROUND TWO

 

BONER CANDIDATE #1: YOU CAN ONLY JUGGLE SO MANY BALLS… ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE FULL OF MONEY

Ken Ivory has exited his Utah House seat to take an executive level job at a Silicon Slopes company that he helped hire for a special legislative project to appraise Utah’s public lands — an assignment that has evolved into a $700,000 state contract for the firm. Ivory started his job at Geomancer, a Lehi software firm, on Monday, the same day he resigned from the Legislature. His position is as senior vice president of corporate strategy, a role that will require him to “wear lots of hats,” he said Wednesday in an interview at the state Capitol. “It’s going to be a huge job. It’s a national reach, and you can only juggle so many balls,” the West Jordan Republican said, explaining his decision to leave his elected position of eight years. But wilderness advocates questioned the propriety of Ivory’s jump to a firm that is profiting from state dollars secured with the former lawmaker’s help. “It smacks of self-dealing and raises red flags,” Stephen Bloch, legal director for the Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance, said in an interview. The Western Values Project, a group that has opposed Ivory’s efforts to transfer public lands to state ownership, was similarly scathing. Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #2: UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS YOU SAY?

MISSION VIEJO, Calif. – Southern California sheriff’s deputies responding to a report of a suspicious man next to a parked SUV arrived to find him attempting an unusual (and ineffective) method to fix a flat tire. The man was attempting to patch two damaged tires using gauze and Band-Aids, Orange County authorities said in a Facebook post. A citizen reported the suspicious man next to a vehicle near Felipe Road and Barbadanes around 6 a.m. When deputies arrived, they found both driver’s side tires flat and a 26-year-old man trying to repair them using gauze and Band-Aids. The man was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs, deputies said. The suspect’s identity was not released. Read More

BONER CANDIDATE #3: HEY, IT’S A LOT EASIER THAN GOING OUT AND BUYING SOME SPERM

Growing up in Nacogdoches, Tex., Eve Wiley learned at age 16 that she had been conceived through artificial insemination with donor sperm. Her mother, Margo Williams, now 65, had sought help from Dr. Kim McMorries, telling him that her husband was infertile. She asked the doctor to locate a sperm donor. He told Mrs. Williams that he had found one through a sperm bank in California. Mrs. Williams gave birth to a daughter, Eve. Now 32, Ms. Wiley is a stay-at-home mother in Dallas. In 2017 and 2018, like tens of millions of Americans, she took consumer DNA tests. The results? Her biological father was not a sperm donor in California, as she had been told — Dr. McMorries was. The news left Ms. Wiley reeling. “You build your whole life on your genetic identity, and that’s the foundation,” Ms. Wiley said. “But when those bottom bricks have been removed or altered, it can be devastating.” Through his attorney and the staff at his office, Dr. McMorries declined to comment. With the advent of widespread consumer DNA testing, instances in which fertility specialists decades ago secretly used their own sperm for artificial insemination have begun to surface with some regularity. Three states have now passed laws criminalizing this conduct, including Texas, which now defines it as a form of sexual assault. Read More


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