News

Boner of the Day for May 20th, 2019

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: CRIMINALS ARE OFTEN SO STUPID.

Maybe he was the real Dumbo at Disney. A former Disney World employee accused of stealing $7,000 in memorabilia was arrested after posting photos of the missing items online, according to authorities. Patrick Allen Spikes, 24, became a suspect when his Twitter profile included pictures of valuable items two months after they were swiped from the theme park in Orlando, Florida, according to the arrest affidavit. He became combative when questioned about the photos of “Buzzy,” a character missing from the “Cranium Command” attraction at Epcot, leading to an initial charge of resisting arrest, the records show.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: BRAG IT UP LAMAR. WHAT A GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT

It may not be the weirdest thing Lamar Odom has ever done, but in 2004, the NBA champ wore a prosthetic penis to pass a drug test for the upcoming Olympics in Athens. Odom, 39, makes the revelation in his new memoir, “Darkness to Light,” according to People magazine. “There was no way I was going to pass,” the former husband of Khloe Kardashian writes of the requisite drug test. “I had been smoking weed every day that summer. Panic set in.” Some online research on how to beat a drug test led him to order “a giant, rubber, black c— to arrive the next day,” he wrote.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS A VERY POOR CHOICE FOR A BABY’S NAME.

Some of you weren’t forced to go to Sunday school and it shows, especially now since the world is trying to figure out how to pronounce the name of Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West’s new baby. Kim and Kanye welcomed their fourth child, a boy, via surrogate on May 10, and Friday evening the new mom revealed they named the baby Psalm West.

 

ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: SHE NEEDS TO STOP HORSING AROUND


Norwegian Ayla Kirstine has an Instagram account where she regularly posts videos of herself cantering around fields and even leaping over hurdles as if she were a horse. Why? Nobody’s quite sure. All we know about equestrian pedestrian Ayla is that she’s quite an anxious individual – she once had a major panic about skin cancer after spotting a mole – and doesn’t post any explanation about her unusual hobby alongside her videos. She’s been doing it for a while, although she recently deleted her old Instagram account before returning to the platform a few weeks ago.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: I’LL BET YOU DON’T EVER FORGET TO BUY HER A BIRTHDAY PRESENT AGAIN.

A woman is accused of attacking her boyfriend with a box cutter because she didn’t get the birthday she was expecting. A few hours after taking Georgia Michelle Zowacki out to dinner for her 55th birthday, her boyfriend said she became upset nobody bought her a card, cake or gift. He also said she had been drinking vodka throughout the day to celebrate. “Next thing you know, I’m getting stabbed,” the boyfriend, David Rae, told KDKA. Rae alleges Zowacki attacked him with a box cutter, putting it near his throat and threatening to kill him. “She went to my neck, she says, ‘I’m going to kill you,’” Rae explained. He said his girlfriend then slashed his arm with the weapon.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: PLEASE DON’T KISS THE COWS

An Austrian government official is having a cow over a bizarre Swiss app challenge urging followers to kiss bovines to raise money for charity. The “KuhKussChallenge,” launched earlier this week on the Castl app, urges users in Switzerland, Austria and other German-speaking countries to kiss cows – “with or without tongue” – to raise charity funds, reported Agence France Presse. Elisabeth Köstinger, Austria’s minister for sustainability and tourism, called the challenge “dangerous mischief.” She warned that pastures are “are not petting zoos” and that trying to kiss cows could have “serious consequences.” Köstinger said that cows could become aggressive, particularly when defending their calves.

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