ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: TO PROTECT AND SERVE
MARSHALL, Ark. — The police chief of a small Arkansas city has resigned after posting online threats of violence that targeted Democrats. Marshall Mayor Kevin Elliott said in a statement Saturday that Police Chief Lang Holland had resigned effective immediately. Elliott said the city “strongly condemns” Holland’s posts. He said the community doesn’t “in any way support or condone bullying or threats of violence to anyone of any political persuasion.” Holland made the comments on Parler, a right-wing site similar to Twitter, and they were no longer viewable as of Saturday evening, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported. In his posts, Holland echoed President Donald Trump’s baseless allegations that the election wasn’t fair and that “illegal” votes were counted, the newspaper reported.
Boner Candidate #2: MY DR. SAID I SHOULD NOMINATE MYSELF FOR A BONER CANDIDATE…SO I AM
Boner Candidate #3: OOPS
Pennsylvania Attorney General Josh Shapiro suffered a very dad moment Friday after his son crashed a live interview on MSNBC. The state’s top lawyer was talking about Pennsylvania’s grinding count of mail-in ballots in the 2020 election when his son walked into the room, glued to a smartphone. When Shapiro’s son realized he was on camera, he slowly backed out of the room, in a fashion reminiscent of many humorous internet memes. “I’m taking his phone away for 24 hours,” Shapiro said in a tweet sharing the clip. “See, politicians are people too!” he added in an Instagram post. The moment instantly went viral with Shapiro’s tweet netting more than 3,200 retweets and 39,000 likes.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: I AIN’T GONNA BUY IT UNLESS I KNOW IT WORKS
Oklahoma City, OK — An Oklahoma man is facing an indecency charge after allegedly taking a sex toy for a test drive inside an adult novelty store, according to court records. Gilbert Cordero, 23, was recently arrested in connection with a bizarre incident at an Oklahoma City business. Cordero, free on $500 bail, has pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor charge of outraging public indecency. Cordero is next scheduled for a December 3 hearing in District Court. According to a probable cause affidavit, Cordero “went into a sex toy shop and tried a piece of merchandise which was out on display.” Specifically, the business was Carlie’s and the item in question was “an Auto Blow device.” Cops charge that after Cordero walked up to a merchandise shelf, he licked his fingers on one hand and then used those digits “to get his penis wet.” Cordero, whose actions were recorded by a store surveillance camera, then “also licks his fingers on his other hand and appears to get the entrance area of the Auto Blow wet.”
Boner Candidate #2: SOMETHING THAT MAY SAVE OUR LIVES? HELL NO!
On Monday, the pharmaceutical company Pfizer released early analysis that suggested its COVID-19 vaccine was 90 percent effective. The announcement, while no guarantee of a vaccine, was a ray of hope for Americans awaiting an end to the pandemic at a time when new cases are setting records nationally by the day. But a vocal crowd—which has drawn support from the anti-lockdown movement and other conspiratorial scenes—is already voicing its opposition to a coronavirus vaccine. Adding to the doubt is at least one member of the First Family, who cast suspicion about the vaccine following President Donald Trump’s re-election defeat.
Boner Candidate #3: I WAS TAKING THE DOG OUT FOR A DRAG
Czech Republic — Police in the Czech Republic said they issued a warning to a man caught violating curfew and attempting to disguise his actions by walking a stuffed toy dog on a leash. A news crew from Czech Television’s Events of South Bohemia show were accompanying patrolling police officers in Ceske Budejovice when the officers stopped a man caught walking in a public area after the 9 p.m. curfew, which was imposed amid the COVID-19 pandemic. The man initially claimed to be out walking his dog, an activity that is permitted after curfew hours, but police quickly determined the object at the end of his leash was actually a stuffed toy dog. The man then claimed his walk was an artistic practical joke and was released with a warning. The dog walker later told the Mlada fronta Dnes newspaper he does not regret his actions.
