Boners

Boner Preview for February 10th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: THE LORD HAS COMMANDED ME TO GATHER THE RICHES OF THE EARTH

This accused fraudster really thinks he’s holier than thou. John Michael Haskew claimed he pocketed $7 billion in a bank fraud scheme — because Jesus Christ chose him to be rich, according to published reports. His god awful excuse got an eye roll from Lakeland, FL., authorities, who arrested him on December 16, WFTV9 NEWs reported. “(Haskew stated) that Jesus Christ created wealth for everyone. Using this scheme, Haskew believed that he could obtain the wealth that Jesus Christ created for him and that belonged to him,” according to a criminal complaint.

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Boner Candidate #2: CAN YOU DRIVE? THEN COME AND GET THE KIDS.

A couple that gets busted driving drunk together stays together? A Michigan couple was arrested after the wife was driving drunk with her children in the car, and then her husband reportedly drove drunk to pick them up. Siobhan Theresa Egnot, 36, was charged with operating a vehicle while under the influence with passengers under the age of 16, according to the Detroit Free Press. Authorities have not charged her 39-year-old husband as of Wednesday. According to police, Egnot was pulled over after they received a call that a Ford Explorer drove off the road into a ditch in Hamburg, Michigan. Both her 5-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son were passengers in the vehicle.

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Boner Candidate #3: HAVE A HAPPY HITLER VALENTINE’S DAY

The Central Michigan University president says he is “deeply disappointed” about an anti-Semitic Valentine’s Day card that was produced during a campus Republican group meeting, then apparently given to a pair of students by a member of that group, which says it was an unsanctioned mistake. The card was in a bag that was handed to the students Wednesday night by a member of the College Republicans at Central Michigan, which immediately apologized while distancing itself from the incident. The card, which the group called “very inappropriate,” shows Adolf Hitler alongside the words “my love 4 u burns like 6,000 jews,” according to Central Michigan Life, a student newspaper. (An estimated 6 million Jews were killed by the Nazi regime during the Holocaust, according to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.)

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Boner Candidate #4: ROACHES CHECK IN BUT THEY DON’T CHECK OUT

If you can bear it, we offer what Newsflare aptly describes as some “rather unpleasant footage” for your viewing displeasure—the type you won’t want to see, can’t help but see, and won’t be able to unsee. It’s video filmed last week that shows a doctor in China pulling a cockroach from deep within a man’s ear after it had burrowed in there nearly three days earlier, UPI reports. The roach had apparently nestled into its new home while the 60-year-old man from Chengdu in Sichuan province was snoozing, and although he’d tried tweezers and toothpicks to extract it, the pest remained embedded, per the Straits Times. The man finally resorted to blasting insecticide into his ear, which solved the secondary problem of killing the roach, but not the primary one of getting it out. His inner ear swelled up from the effects of the pesticide and other irritation, trapping the dead roach, which turned out to be nearly a half-inch long.

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Boner Candidate #5: OH FOR HECK SAKES YOU GOT ME AGAIN!

A man has been arrested, and booked into the same jail for the 77th time. According to police in Alexandria, Louisiana, officers responded to the report of a man stuck in the chimney of a business early Friday morning. Employees told officers that when they arrived at the business, they could hear a man yelling. They found he was stuck. While officers were in route, police say the man was able to free himself from the chimney. He then reportedly threw a brick at an employee before running from the store.

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Boner Candidate #6: I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN MY TACO IS HOT

Police say a shooting in north Houston began when a woman got a taco that just wasn’t hot enough. Investigators say a man and his girlfriend were at a taco truck on West Dyna near the North Freeway just before 2 a.m. when the shooting happened. The woman reportedly became irate when a taco truck worker denied her request to reheat her taco when she said it was cold. But when her boyfriend told her to calm down, she allegedly pulled out a gun.

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