Boners

Boner Preview for March 22nd, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: DON’T HAVE HEROIN IN YOUR POCKET WHEN YOU GO TO COURT.

A Johnstown man faces felony charges after sheriff’s deputies said they found heroin in his pockets Wednesday while he was going through security at the Cambria County Courthouse. Eugene Ptomey Jr., 46, of 125 Singer St., is charged with intent to manufacture or deliver a controlled substance and knowingly or intentionally possessing a controlled or counterfeit substance by a person not registered. According to a police criminal complaint, Ptomey was arrested after he entered the courthouse and was subjected to a normal search.

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Boner Candidate #2: COME ON. IT WAS A JOKE. GET OVER IT.

Cheerleaders at an Albuquerque high school took photos and video of a nude teammate then posted those images on social media before coaches told the targeted girl it was a joke and she should “get over it,” according to a lawsuit now in federal court. The lawsuit, which moved to U.S. District Court in Albuquerque last week, alleges cheerleaders at West Mesa High School used a coach’s smartphone to capture images of the 15-year-old teammate taking a shower during a 2015 cheerleading camp in Phoenix. The teammates then made fun of the girl’s body and posted a video on Snapchat, court documents said.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE BULGING BIBLE.

Today’s Bible lesson: It’s a bad idea to use the good book to smuggle drugs into jail. The Bible in question was dropped off Thursday for an inmate convicted last week of methamphetamine trafficking and awaiting transfer to state prison, a Mississippi sheriff said. “We search every item that is brought into the jail, and the property officer noticed something wrong. There was a bulge in the back cover of the Bible,” Lee County Sheriff Jim Johnson told the Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal. “We cut it open and found a powdery substance.” A local lab identified methamphetamine and said it couldn’t identify a second substance, so a sample was sent to the state crime lab, Ezell said.

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Boner Candidate #4: AS A PART OF THE LESSON YOU WILL HAVE TO BUY YOUR CHILD BACK.

A New Jersey school is coming under fire after an elementary school class held a mock slave auction. Fifth-graders at Jefferson School in Maplewood held the mock auction while under the supervision of a substitute teacher, NJ.com reported. The website said the activity was not part of the curriculum in the South Orange-Maplewood School District. “There was a sale of a black child by white children in the classroom,” Tracey Jarmon-Woods, parent of a student in another class at the school, told CBS New York. “If you’re demoralized — sold on a block in 2017 — it may affect you the rest of your life.”

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Boner Candidate #5: HERE’S SOMETHING FUN TO DO WHEN YOU’RE BORED.

A Florida mother has been charged with child neglect after a 3-year-old boy under her supervision allegedly fired a gun she kept in her car. The incident allegedlly happened Monday afternoon when Abbie Maldonado of Deltona went to pick up another child from a local school. The 30-year-old left the toddler unattended and unsecured in the back of the vehicle, but kept the rear passenger door propped open so she could keep an eye on the child, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office. At some point, the boy picked up a loaded gun that was in the side pocket of the driver’s side door and pulled the trigger.

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Boner Candidate #6: I HAVE A “LOVE/HATE” THING FOR THE COPS.

A boozed-up Florida elementary schoolteacher driving with her 10-year-old son told a cop who arrested her “I feel like kissing you” — before kicking him in the groin, according to a report. Saryna Parker, 43, a probationary eighth-grade science teacher at South Dade Middle School in Homestead, was pulled over Sunday on US 1 and Southwest 182nd Avenue after she rear-ended another car with her Cadillac, the Miami Herald reported. When a trooper tried to talk to Parker, “she slurred her speech and he could smell a strong odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage emitting from her breath,” according to her arrest report obtained by the newspaper. Another trooper was called in to conduct sobriety tests and when the officer “explained the exercises to her, she touched me on my back and advised: I feel like kissing you,” the cop said in the report. Parker was unsteady on her feet and refused to take a breath test so she was placed under arrest.

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