Boners

Boner Preview for March 24th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: YOU BETTER GET YOUR BIBLE RIGHT

A woman severely beat her daughter, tried to strangle her and kicked her out of their house for incorrectly reciting Bible verses, police say. Rhonda Kemp Shoffner’s daughter, who is under the age of 13, was forced to kneel on the bathroom floor at their Middletown home and repeat Bible verses, police told Pennlive.com. The girl told police her mother had been drunk for three days. Shoffner, police say, asked her daughter, “What did God tell the man to do with his son?” When the girl said she didn’t know, police say, Shoffner said, “God told the man to kill his son.”

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Boner Candidate #2: ANOINTED HOOKER CAKE TURNS GAY BAR OWNER STRAIGHT

A Texas pastor claims an “anointed cake” baked by hookers had the power to turn a gay bar owner straight. In a rambling Periscope video, Lance Wallnau, who is an evangelist from Dallas, responded to a viewer’s request for deliverance for her gay son. Wallnau, who has 200,000 Facebook followers, said last week that he heard a story about the gay and “very adamantly anti-Christian” man who owned the bar. According to Wallnau, the bar was frequented by reformed hookers, who decided to bake a cake for the owner. “They basically prayed over the cake,” he said. “It was an anointed cake.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I’VE JUST GOT TO TAN

An Oregon day-care provider left kids as young as 6 months old alone in her home so she could go tanning and to the gym, authorities said. January Neatherlin, 31, was indicted Tuesday on 76 counts of criminal mistreatment and 38 counts of reckless endangering another person after cops got a tip and set up surveillance on her home, which she used as a day-care center. She left children alone at her house eight times over 12 days in March after parents dropped them off to her care, cops allege. Police who observed her driving off entered her home, where they found seven unattended children between the ages of 6 months and 4 years. Prosecutors say she left the house for about two hours each time and “went to the gym and tanning salon.”

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Boner Candidate #4: I THOUGHT THE PUBLIC SHOULD SEE THIS KIND OF THING

A nursing home employee in Florida was caught secretly recording a pair of seniors having sex — and posting the footage to Snapchat, cops said. Alexis Williams, 20, is accused of filming an 81-year-old woman and a 59-year-old man doing the deed inside a private room at the Bristol Court Assisted Living Facility in St. Petersburg last August, according to Bay News 9. The Pinellas County woman was arrested Wednesday after being done in by a tipster, who spotted the video and alerted staff. The couple apparently had no idea they were being filmed by Williams, who denies everything.

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Boner Candidate #5: I NEEDED A RIDE

This California woman doesn’t waste time. Monique Cadena, 24, had been released from jail for only minutes Wednesday before she allegedly stole a running car parked outside the West Valley Detention Center in Rancho Cucamonga, California, taking the elderly woman sitting inside the vehicle along for the ride. Earlier on Wednesday, Cadena was booked for being under the influence of a controlled substance and slapped with a citation. She was released around 5 p.m. from the jail, and unsuccessfully tried to hitch a ride from jail visitors, according to a San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department release. “It is believed that when she exited the facility, she noticed the vehicle running and fled the area with the victim,” the sheriff’s department said. It was then she noticed the running Hyundai Sonata and drove off with the woman, who had been sitting in the vehicle waiting for a family member.

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Boner Candidate #6: DON’T WORRY, YOU’RE NOT EATING TEETH. THOSE ARE BEEF LIPS.

Sink your teeth into these tacos and you might just find, well, more teeth. Stomach-churning photos from a customer’s trip to El Rincon Mexican Restaurant in Pflugerville, Texas, have gained traction on social media after she found an unexpected ingredient in her barbacoa tacos. “When you order Barbacoa tacos but get teeth instead,” customer Courtney Aguilar wrote on Sunday. The meal then only got weirder when Aguilar informed the waitress, who was apparently unfazed by the tacos’ unconventional topping. “I asked the server if this was teeth?” she wrote. “She said ‘baby teeth.’”

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