Boners

Boner Preview for March 8th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: PEOPLE WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES ARE NOT FRATERNITY MATERIAL.

A Michigan college student with a deadly peanut allergy was the victim of a hazing ritual in which he was daubed in the face with peanut butter at an off-campus party, spurring a severe reaction that left him with swollen eyes, officials and the man’s mother said. The police in Mount Pleasant, Mich., said they were investigating the October encounter involving youths who said they were members of the Alpha Chi Rho fraternity at Central Michigan University and the student, Andrew Seely, 19.

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Boner Candidate #2: CHUCK E. DRIVES PARENTS MAD

Two violent brawls at a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant were caught on camera, showing adults behaving badly in front of children. Sharon Cabrera caught the first fight on her phone and posted the video on Facebook. She said several men and women fought over tickets at the restaurant at 12790 Amargosa Road.

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Boner Candidate #3: SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR FIDO

A Minnesota mailman is facing burglary and bestiality charges after he “did carnally know a dog” owned by a customer on his delivery route, according to court records. Brian Chapman, 21, allegedly engaged in a “sexual act with a dog” last month as he delivered mail in a rural area outside the city of Crookston (pop. 7891). Chapman is pictured at right. According to a criminal complaint, the dog’s owner told police that he became suspicious after noticing “the mailman has been spending a long period of time in his garage.” The man added that he was “going to call the post office to have them tell his mailman to stop going into his garage to leave packages.”

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Boner Candidate #4: HOW DID YOU TRACK ME DOWN?

Hours after he was sentenced for theft in Dakota County, authorities say a man tried to walk out of a St. Paul Sears store with layers of apparel he hadn’t paid for tucked under his clothing. Alphonso Terry Whitelaw On his way out of the store, Alphonso Terry Whitelaw dropped a couple of pairs of jeans and a hoodie, catching the attention of a nearby employee trained to spot stealing, according to the criminal complaint filed against him Friday in Ramsey County District Court.

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Boner Candidate #5: I’M SENDING THEM JEWS A MESSAGE

Miami police have arrested a man they said keyed swastikas into five cars last month. Timothy Merriam was arrested Feb. 26 for allegedly slashing the tires on Citi bikes. Police said the 61-year-old suspect may have slashed more than 100 bike tires in a 30-day period, according to Local10.com. Officials now say there’s video evidence linking Merriam to the tire slashings and to the swastika keying that happened the same day, according to NBC Miami.

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Boner Candidate #6: THERE ARE NO WORDS

Last night, poachers broke into a French zoo, shot a rare white rhinoceros, and used a chainsaw to saw off its prized horn. Officials say it’s the first attack of its kind in a European zoo. As reported in Reuters, the four-year-old male, named Vince, was found dead in his enclosure at the Thoiry Zoo just west of Paris earlier this morning. According to police, the rhino was shot three times in the head, and one of its horns was sawn off, likely with a chainsaw. The poachers broke through a gate during the night, and forced the metal door of the rhino’s enclosure.

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