Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for December 3rd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY BOYS

The New York City Police Department has suspended a detective after learning he recorded a 32-second video of his testicles on a body cam in what appears to have been a horribly ill-advised prank, the New York Daily News reported on Saturday. According to the Daily News, law enforcement sources and internal police documents said Detective Specialist Raymond Williams of the 79th Precinct was suspended Thursday after the video was inadvertently discovered by a female staffer at the city’s Legal Bureau during a review of recordings. Williams worked as a neighborhood coordination officer (NCO), which the NYPD wrote on its website are liaisons between community members and the police.

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Boner Candidate #2: AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT DAMN EASTER BUNNY

A substitute teacher in Montville has landed on the naughty list after telling first-graders that Santa isn’t real. The Cedar Hill School sent a letter to parents apologizing for the holiday gaffe, which occurred on Thursday in the first-grade class. “During the course of the day, a substitute teacher apparently announced to the class that Santa was not real,” the school’s principal, Michael J. Raj, wrote in the letter provided Friday to NJ Advance Media. Raj did not identify the teacher, but said he had spoken with her “regarding her poor judgement in making this proclamation.”

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Boner Candidate #3: WHAT? WE WERE JUST ON AN OREO RUN!

Ten football players at a Northern Illinois high school were suspended from the team for three games last month after they ran across a field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks. The Rockford Register Star reports that the Byron High School players were suspended for indecent exposure but that school administrators concluded they went on the “Oreo Run” at the school’s football field voluntarily and were not victims of hazing. The paper reported the story after obtaining a letter sent to parents of students who admitted to participating in the run in October. The students were forced to sit out games on Nov. 19, 17 and 23 — the last of which was the Class 3A state championship game in which Byron lost 24-20 to Monticello High School.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: IT IS MY PERSONAL BELIEF THAT I DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT.

Lincoln Police arrested a 35-year-old-man for failing to comply with an officer during a traffic stop when he said he didn’t have to register his vehicle due to personal beliefs. Officers pulled over Steven Logan near 42nd and Baldwin streets on Nov. 29th, shortly after 9 p.m. After parking his car, police say Logan starting walking away from his vehicle. The officer told him to stop but he refused and kept walking so the officer grabbed Logan’s arm. The officer then noticed Logan had a firearm and detained him. When asked for his identification, he told the officer that due to his personal beliefs, he’s not required to register his vehicle.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO BE A HALL OF FAME QUARTERBACK

Brett Favre says he was duped into recording an anti-Semitic video by a group posing as a veterans organization. The Hall of Fame hurler was paid $500 to make the recording riddled with coded hate speech and conspiracy theories for the Cameo service, which pays celebrities to record short, personalized video messages. Posing as a veterans organization, hate groups the Handsome Truth and the Goyim Defense League paid Favre $500 to read a statement that included several veiled anti-Semitic remarks. “Brett Favre here with a shout-out to the Handsome Truth and the GDL boys,” Favre says in the video, according to BuzzFeed News. “You guys are patriots in my eyes. So keep waking them up and don’t let the small get you down. Keep fighting too and don’t ever forget the USS Liberty and the men and women who died on that day. God bless and take care.”

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Boner Candidate #3: NEW MEXICAN OR OLD MEXICAN, YOU WILL STILL NEED A PASSPORT.

A District of Columbia clerk and a supervisor refused to accept a New Mexico man’s state driver’s license as he sought a marriage license because she and her supervisor believed New Mexico was a foreign country. Gavin Clarkson told the Las Cruces Sun-News it happened Nov. 20 at the District of Columbia Courts Marriage Bureau as he tried to apply for a marriage license. After approaching the clerk for a license and showing his New Mexico ID, Clarkson said the clerk told him he needed an international passport to get the marriage license. Clarkson said he protested to a supervisor, who also told him that he needed a foreign passport. The clerk finally concluded New Mexico was a state after Clarkson objected three times. The clerk granted the license to Clarkson and his fiancée.

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