Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for February 9th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE CLAW. THE CLAW.

Firefighters responded to a Florida restaurant where a young boy had climbed inside a claw machine and found himself trapped. Titusville Fire and Emergency Services confirmed crews responded to the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s eatery in Titusville on Wednesday night when a small child was reported stuck inside a claw machine. Officials said the boy had climbed inside the machine in an attempt to procure a stuffed animal and found he was unable to climb back out. Crews said the boy was not in danger and was removed from the machine at 5:41 p.m. and returned to his meal with his family.

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Boner Candidate #2: MY DAD HAS CANCER

Utah legislators responded Thursday to a report that a Utah House member abruptly resigned Tuesday night because it was about to become public that he met an online escort for sex twice last year. The Daily Mail, a British publication, quotes Brie Taylor saying former Rep. John Stanard, R-St. George, paid her $250 for sex twice at the Fairfield Inn in downtown Salt Lake City. The Deseret News has not independently confirmed the allegations. Utah House Speaker Greg Hughes, R-Draper, issued a brief statement Wednesday, saying Stanard stepped down for personal and family reasons. “It’s been a hard week,” Hughes said, adding he hopes the allegations don’t reflect poorly on the Legislature as a whole. He said the biggest concern lawmakers have is for Stanard’s family.

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Boner Candidate #3: GIRLS MUST LEARN TO SAY YES, NOT NO.

When Natalie Richard’s sixth-grade daughter told her she couldn’t say “no” if a boy asked her to dance at Kanesville Elementary’s Valentine’s Day dance, she didn’t believe it at first. “Oh no, no honey,” Richard said of her reply. “You guys are misunderstanding again. That’s not how it is.” However, after speaking to her daughter’s teacher, she realized the statement was accurate. “The teacher said she can’t. She has to say yes. She has to accept and I said, ‘Excuse me,” Richard tells Fox 13. Richard took her concerns to the school principal.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I HAVE PROOF THAT MY DAD IS NOT A RACIST.

Donald Trump Jr., the middle segment of a human centipede, has never been one for thinking. In an interview with The Daily Caller, Trump Jr. was asked by Ginni Thomas—president of conservative non-profit Liberty Central and wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas—about the “left’s efforts to frame your dad and anyone who supports your dad as a hater, as a racist, as a fascist.” Naturally, after discussing how people of color “overplay” their supposed race card, Trump Jr. seized the opportunity to defend his dad by saying that he can’t be racist because he has appeared in the same photographs as black people, including “all the rappers.” No really, he fucking said that: “I see, I know him [the president], I’ve seen him my whole life. I’ve seen the things he’s done. You know it’s amazing — all the rappers, all his African-American friends, from Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, have pictures with him.”

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Boner Candidate #2: DOUBLE NON FAT SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO FOR “CARK.” CARK?

Boner Candidate #3: I HAD TO DROP PEBBLES OFF AT THE POOL

A Florida woman says an airline told her to flush her hamster down an airport toilet because the emotional support rodent wasn’t allowed to fly with her. The Miami Herald reports before Belen Aldecosea flew home from college to South Florida, she twice called Spirit Airlines to ensure she could bring Pebbles, her pet dwarf hamster. No problem, the airline said. But when Aldecosea arrived at the Baltimore airport, Spirit refused to allow the animal onboard. The 21-year-old told the paper she flushed Pebbles at an airline employee’s suggestion, after running out of other options.

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