Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for July 25th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HIS PLACE IN HELL IS RIGHT NEXT TO WAYNE LA PIERRE.

The tactic promoted by the National Rifle Association to respond to mass school shootings by talking about everything except guns continued on Sunday, just two days after 10 people were killed and 10 others injured at a high school massacre near Houston. Appearing on Fox News, incoming NRA president Oliver North blamed the epidemic of mass shootings in the United States on the “disease” of youngsters “steeped in a culture of violence” and hooked on the ADHD drug Ritalin (which is manufactured by the pharmaceutical giant Novartis, a company recently called out for paying Donald Trump’s fixer Michael Cohen $1.2 million for access to the president).

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Boner Candidate #2: OKAY OKAY I’M GOING

Kaleb McMichen told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution late on Tuesday that Jason Spencer would step down. In Sunday night’s broadcast of Cohen’s Showtime series Who Is America? Cohen asks Spencer to take part in a counterterrorism video. Spencer repeatedly shouts a racial slur for black people after Cohen tells him the tactic is useful for drawing bystanders’ attention to an unfolding attack. He also drops his pants, then his underwear, before backing his exposed rear toward Cohen while shouting “USA!” and “America!” In a statement Monday, Spencer apologized for the “ridiculously ugly episode,” but he initially refused to step down.

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Boner Candidate #3: CHOOSE ANOTHER GIMMICK

A veteran teacher in Pennsylvania is under investigation after being exposed as an amateur wrestler who uses Nazi salutes while performing under the stage name “Blitzkrieg the German Juggernaut.” Kevin Bean, a 36-year-old teacher at Spring-Ford Intermediate School, moonlights as anti-Semitic heel for the World Wide Wrestling Alliance, usually waving a German Iron Cross flag and making Nazi salutes while entering the ring, The Blast reported Friday. But Dino Sanna, the organization’s owner, told the website that Bean’s shtick is merely a “gimmick,” claiming that he’s not a “hateful person” but rather a religious man whose students turn out in droves to support him. “Everyone has a gimmick, it’s wrestling,” Sanna told the website, adding that he’s never received a complaint about the wrestler.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: “HOPPING OUT OF A MOVING VEHICLE OR JUMPING INTO LANES OF TRAFFIC TO SHOW YOUR DANCE MOVES IS FOOLISH AND DANGEROUS”

The National Transportation Safety Board is not down with the #InMyFeelings challenge. The federal agency tasked with investigating major accidents has issued a stern warning to Drake fans who’ve been throwing themselves out of moving cars as part of the latest viral internet trend. “There’s a time and place for everything, but our nation’s highways and roadways are no place for the #inmyfeelings challenge,” Nicholas Worrell, chief of safety at the NTSB, told the Blast.  In the challenge, passengers — and even drivers — are filmed jumping out of moving cars as the rapper’s hit song “In My Feelings” blasts in the background. They’re supposed to seamlessly dance along while the car rolls in neutral. But instead of showing off their smooth dance moves, many overzealous occupants clumsily fall out of the vehicle and wind up with road rash.

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Boner Candidate #2: I THINK I’VE SPOTTED THE SUSPECTS

Police in Ohio say two men on a motorcycle, with the passenger holding a large, boxed fish tank, have been arrested after an officer passed them while responding to a pet store’s report of a stolen aquarium. The Niles police Facebook page says the passenger jumped off, breaking the aquarium, when the officer turned to follow the motorcycle Monday. Another officer found the bike at another location and a “nervous-looking” man pruning a tree with his bare hands behind a home. He was identified as the bike’s operator. Niles Municipal Court officials say 52-year-old Mitchell Adkins and 46-year-old Christopher Binion have pleaded not guilty to theft charges. Binion also pleaded not guilty to traffic charges.

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Boner Candidate #3: SAND STEALER!

Oscar Munoz — who has been the head of the company through several headline-grabbing controversies in the last few years  — is being fined $24,000 for taking sand from a public beach in Florida to create protective dunes in front of his $6.8 million home, according to the St. Augustine Record.  He was first accused in April, according to local outlet First Coast News.  Video provided to WJXT News4Jax by an anonymous neighbor shows heavy machinery scooping sand from the beach and moving it in front of the homes of Munoz and three of his neighbors, CEO and president of Web.com David Brown, managing director for UBS Financial Chris Aitken and a woman named Margaret Conolly. All three have also agreed to pay similar fines. “We’re outraged about this,” another neighbor, Bill Hudson, told the outlet. “It’s a poor reflection on the whole community that someone would be that presumptuous to virtually steal something that belongs to the public and use it for personal gain.”

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