Boners

Boner (Round One) for January 16th, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: NO BESTIES. NO BESTIES.

According to a piece in U.S. News and World Report, some schools in the United States and Europe “are attempting to ban the entire concept of children having best friends,” because it’s not inclusive and kids get hurt. “The notion of choosing best friends is deeply embedded in our culture,” child and family psychologist Dr. Barbara Greenberg writes in a piece titled “Should Schools Ban Kids from Having Best Friends?” “Nonetheless, there is, in my opinion, merit to the movement to ban having best friends,” she continues. According to Greenberg, “there is something dreadfully exclusionary occurring when a middle schooler tells the girl sitting next to her that she is best friends with the girl sitting in front of them.”

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Boner Candidate #2: I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO KILL HER ANYWAY.

Authorities in Florida say the wrong person was killed last Sunday in a botched murder-for-hire plot set up by a scorned woman. Osceola County Sheriff Russ Gibson told news outlets that Ishnar Marie Lopez, 35, was upset that a “man she loved” was in a relationship with another woman. So she hired Alexis Ramos, 35, and his girlfriend, Glorianmarie Quinones Montes, 22, to kill the woman. Gibson said the couple tracked down a woman they believed to be the target as she left a Ross Dress For Less store at a mall in Kissimmee, near Orlando, on Sunday night. They followed Janice Zengotita-Torres home and forced her into the back of her car. They drove her to an apartment in Orlando. They eventually realized they had the wrong person. “However, the suspects continued with their plan of murder and tied the victim with zip ties and then (covered) her head in duct tape and garbage bags,” Gibson said. The sheriff said Ramos then beat the woman, who suffocated because of the garbage bags on her head.

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Boner Candidate #3: A GRAVE MISTAKE

Expanding voting rights to those who aren’t heads of households was a “grave mistake,” a GOP precinct chairman from Davis County wrote in a Sunday morning Facebook post. “The more I study history the more I think giving voting rights to others not head of household has been a grave mistake!” Casey Fisher posted on Facebook Sunday morning. Fisher did not respond to a request for comment Monday evening. Fisher’s responsibility as a precinct chairman includes overseeing Republican caucuses in his district. The chairwoman of the Davis County GOP, Teena Horlacher, said people misunderstood the sentiment of Fisher’s post. Horlacher said she had talked with Fisher about the post, and he didn’t mean it, how it came across. “The sentiment was along the lines of what our Founding Fathers believed in. Not necessarily that men only have the vote, that was not necessarily what he was saying,” she said.

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