Boners

Boner (Round One) for July 13th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: THE CURE FOR ALL ILLS IS SIMPLE.

Religious Right activist and former Colorado state legislator Gordon Klingenschmitt declared on his “Pray In Jesus Name” program last week that Americans would not need healthcare if this nation would simply stop funding Planned Parenthood because, if we do so, “God will heal your diseases.” After declaring that Democrats and Republicans in Congress who are fighting to retain government support for Planned Parenthood “are being influenced by a demonic spirit because they want to kill children with your taxpayer dollars,” “You know what the solution to America’s healthcare crisis is?” Klingenschmitt asked. “Obey the Ten Commandments, stop funding abortion, stop funding child killing and God will heal your diseases, America. The supernatural blessing of healing is available if we stop working with the demonic spirit of murder.”

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Boner Candidate #2: SHIA LA’DOUCHE

New video of Shia LaBeouf’s drunken arrest in Savannah, Georgia, surfaced on Wednesday showing more of the actor’s aggressive and racist behavior toward police officers. Surveillance footage released Wednesday by TMZ shows LaBeouf in a Savannah police station sitting across from two police officers after being arrested Saturday on charges of public drunkenness, obstruction and disorderly conduct. He repeatedly curses the officers and spews profanities. As seen in the video, the 31-year-old actor tells a black officer, “You’re going to hell, straight to hell, bro.” Then he tells the officer that what he did was “savage.” When an officer asks, “Why was it savage?” LaBeouf responds, “because you’re a black man.” The actor continues to berate the officers, claiming they are racist because the black officer arrested him “for being white in a city that don’t have nothing to do with none of you.”

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Boner Candidate #3: HEY! WHERE’S THAT UMBILICAL CORD? WHO TOOK THE PLACENTA?

 A woman accused of stealing the placenta and umbilical cord after her daughter gave birth at an Idaho hospital in an attempt to conceal any possible drug use that could result in the baby being taken away is facing charges. Rhiannon Stoneham is charged with felony destruction of evidence. Her husband, Kevin Stoneham, is charged with felony aiding and abetting destruction of evidence. The child was placed in the care of the Idaho Department of Health and Welfare. Authorities tell KIVI-TV in a story on Wednesday that hospital workers in Caldwell were concerned the daughter had been using drugs before giving birth on July 3, and doctors ordered testing on the placenta, cord and cord blood. But when they went back to recover the items, they were gone.

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