Boner of the Day

Boner (Round One) for July 17th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: I GOTTA GET MY SNACKS HOME.

A Clarksville woman was arrested Tuesday after she was accused of taking a battery-powered cart from Walmart to drive home after her car wouldn’t start. Clarksville Police were called to 101st Airborne Division Parkway at about 4 a.m. CT and found a woman driving the cart on the shoulder of the road. She was about a mile and a half from the Fort Campbell Boulevard Walmart. CPD Officer Brittany Hubbard pulled the patrol car behind the woman and activated her emergency lights. “The woman continued onward, seemingly oblivious to the officer’s presence,” according to a CPD news release. Hubbard then chased the cart on foot and got her to stop.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU PUT A BATTERY IN YOUR NOSE IF YOU’RE A LITTLE DUMB KID.

A school girl who had a battery stuck up her nose for five months faces years of reconstructive surgery after it burnt through her septum. Kelsie, seven, was playing with a toy when she put a button battery from it up her nose – only for it to become lodged for almost half a year. Mother Kerrie, 39, was told Kelsie could need five operations over the next 15 years after the battery leaked and burnt through her septum. Kerrie Heath, training manager at the NHS said: ‘After several trips to hospital, the battery was picked up by X-ray after five months- the doctors had never seen anything like it.

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Boner Candidate #3: ALL THEY WANT IS FREE HEALTH CARE

In his speech on the House floor this past week on a bill that would have prevented the military from covering medical expenses related to transitioning, Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) made a strange comparison. Speaking about the Ottoman Empire, which occupied Turkey and parts of surrounding areas from the thirteenth to twentieth centuries, King said, “What they did in order to keep them from reproducing was that they did reassignment surgery on those slaves they had captured, that they had put into their janissary troops.” The janissaries were an elite corps in the Ottoman military who, among other things, were forbidden from marrying, passing wealth on to their children, or growing beards. By the mid-nineteenth century, they were permitted to marry and have children. And the janissaries were not castrated. This is just a common modern myth. King went on. “And that reassignment surgery was they took them from being a virile, reproductive male into being a eunuch. That’s a lesson of the military — the Ottoman military — from two, three, 400 years ago.”

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