Boners

Boner (Round Two) for July 21st, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: WHERE IS YOUR BUSINESS LICENSE MISSY?

A California man tried to rain on a child’s parade when he threatened to call the police because her lemonade stand did not have a “business license,” the little girl’s outraged father said. Little Jasmine LaRoche had been selling lemonade and cookies for only 10 minutes when the unidentified grouch approached and demanded to know what right she had to set up shop in the neighborhood. When the budding entrepreneur couldn’t come up with an answer good enough for him, the man said he was calling the cops. “Whoever the man (I wouldn’t call you that if I didn’t have to) was that threatened to call the police on my daughter for her lemonade stand, you are seriously pathetic,” Jasmine’s father Richard LaRoche, of Discovery Bay, wrote on Facebook. “She is trying to do something constructive with her time and you hassled her for no good reason. Sorry if her ambition threatened you.”

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Boner Candidate #2: CRASH PARADE!

A man fleeing police recorded himself driving at high speed across the pristine sand of Clearwater Beach in Florida, plowing through chairs and drinking alcohol, according to WTSP-TV. After a wild, nine-minute chase, officers caught up with the suspect, identified as 27-year-old Ryan Stiles, of Pinellas Park. The video shows Stiles tearing across the beach screaming obscenities. At one point he yells “Crash parade, bro!” as he appears to drive over multiple folding chairs. The beach Stiles allegedly drove down is a popular resort destination located along a thin strip of land off of Clearwater, Florida. “We were extremely fortunate that we didn’t lose any officers, nor did we lose any civilians,” said Clearwater Deputy Police Chief Donald Hall at press conference Thursday. “If you go to the beach at any time it can be very populated.” Police pursued him down the beach until he reached Caladesi Island, where his escape route reached a dead end.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS GONNA BE DANGEROUS

The pregnant Minnesota woman who fatally shot her boyfriend during a fame-seeking YouTube stunt gone awry pleaded for rescuers to rush to his aid, a newly released transcript of the 911 call revealed. “We were doing a YouTube video, and it went wrong,” Monalisa Perez, 19, told a 911 dispatcher moments after she shot 22-year-old Pedro Ruiz in the chest with his .50-caliber handgun on June 26, the Star-Tribune reported. “Please hurry up. … My God, hurry up, please!” Perez begged as she detailed the fatal stunt to the dispatcher, saying “it’s all on recording.” Perez, according to the news outlet, frantically said: “He’s gonna’ die…Oh, my God, he’s dead! He looks like he’s dying, ma’am. He’s all blue. Please hurry up, ma’am. … He’s dying. He’s dying!”

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