Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for June 4th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I LIVE HERE!

A Hawaiian hothead pulled a gun on a neighbor who returned to the area to check on his lava-threatened home, according to a report. John Hubbard evidently reached a boiling point on Tuesday when he aimed his gun at Ethan Edwards and ordered the 32-year-old and his friends to leave the area around their home in Leilani Estates, where molten rock from Kilauea volcano has been flowing for about a month. Video of the incident posted to Facebook by Edwards shows 61-year-old Hubbard pushing his neighbor, firing at the sky and then aiming the gun. When the shot goes off, people can be heard yelling out and Edwards can be seen crouching and covering his head with his arms as Edwards aims the gun at him. “Are you kidding me? Stop!” people can be heard yelling in the background. Hubbard tells his neighbor to “Get the f–k out of here” as Edwards, who is walking away with his hands up, screams back “I live here!” repeatedly.

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Boner Candidate #2: WILL ANYONE PUT A STOP TO THIS?

It can be tough to keep up with the many allegations of misconduct circulating about Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, because there’s so many of them flying out the door. Over the past few months alone, internal EPA teams have failed to identify any credible threats that would justify Pruitt’s $3 million budget for 24/7 security and expensive flights, the agency has grown increasingly authoritarian and hostile to climate science, and Pruitt reportedly wined and dined a Catholic cardinal accused of sexual abuse because they both were climate change skeptics. But this week, two more new eyebrow-raising about Pruitt emerged: One, that he’s spent an awful lot of money on fancy pens, and two, that his very cozy relationship with coal billionaire Joseph W. Craft III has included exchanges of college basketball tickets. Per CNN, one of Pruitt’s aides ordered 12 $130 silver pens with the EPA seal and the administrator’s signature engraved on them, as well as a set of journals that cost $1,670, for a total of $3,230.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M THE FUN DERMATOLOGIST

An attorney representing three women in cases against an Atlanta-area dermatologist known for singing and dancing while performing surgery says nearly 100 other women have contacted her office to claim they, too, suffered under the doctor’s scalpel. In videos once posted to Dr. Windell Boutte’s public YouTube channel, the board-certified dermatologist can be seen singing as she cuts into a patient or rapping and dancing with surgical instruments in hand during surgical procedures. At times, assistants in scrubs sashayed alongside her. Susan Witt, an attorney representing three women who claim they suffered from Boutte’s work, said close to 100 women reached out to her office in the past week to complain about their results. “I’ve had more phone calls and emails than I could respond to,” she said. Several former patients said they experienced serious post-surgical complications due to infections, according to Witt.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I’M GONNA GET THAT MERCEDES.

A Key West man who earns a living parking cars is now accused of drunkenly stealing a Mercedes-Benz from an impound lot early Friday morning. Kevin Taylor Jones, 48, who is listed in jail records as a valet, was arrested for felony burglary, grand theft auto and criminal damage over $1,000, along with misdemeanor DUI. At about 2: 30 a.m., Jones took a cab to Arnold’s Towing, 5540 Third Ave., on Stock Island, stiffed the driver and jumped the fence to get to the impounded Mercedes-Benz, which had been towed recently for being parked illegally, according to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office. Jones then drove the silver Mercedes-Benz through the lot’s locked gate, ramming through it, and then headed north on U.S. 1, police said. He was caught near mile marker 11 on Big Coppitt Key and taken to jail, where his blood-alcohol content was measured at 1.62, the arrest report states.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT MEANS “I LOVE YOU.”

A hopeless romantic received a harsh lesson about love after he proudly flaunted a T-shirt from his ex-girlfriend. The man thought it was “beautiful” that his ex gave him the shirt with the words “BHENCHOD,” according to his friend on social media. His friend posted a picture of the romantic smiling on Twitter. Alongside the picture, his friend wrote: “Asked him if he knew what his shirt meant. “[He] said his ex got it for him and told him it means i love you and i think that’s beautiful.” The post, which has now been retweeted more than 5,000 times, left Twitter users in hysterics. Tweeters are laughing at the poor man because the word is Punjabi for “Sister F–ker.” Some cruelly joked about the young man, while others reverted to memes to express their laughter. One user said: “This killed me!” Another said: “I bet he was literally dressing up as himself for Halloween.” But one user appeared to be happy that he was humiliated.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE BACKFLIP G-MAN.

An off-duty FBI agent accidentally shot a bystander in the leg when his gun fell from its holster as he cavorted on the dance-floor of a bar in Denver, Colorado, police said. Video widely shared on Twitter shows the agent strutting his stuff and then performing a backflip. The gun falls to the floor and, as the agent goes to grab it, fires a shot. The fellow customer hit by the bullet was taken to hospital with a non-life-threatening injury. It is unclear if the agent, who has not been named, will face charges or disciplinary action. The video shows that his wild moves on the dance-floor had attracted an appreciative crowd at the Mile High Spirits and Distillery bar on Saturday night. But the mood quickly changed when the gun went off. As shocked patrons look on, the agent retrieves his weapon, holds up his hands and leaves the floor. Denver Police Department said the agent “was dancing at a nightclub when his firearm became dislodged from its waistband holster and fell on to the floor. When the agent retrieved his handgun an unintended discharge occurred”.

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