Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for February 23rd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THAT LOOK LIKE A HUNTING RIFLE TO ME.

During his annual address to state lawmakers, Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah, was asked about banning AR-15 rifles in the wake of last week’s Florida school shooting that left 17 dead and sparked new debate about gun control. The question came from Sen. Jim Dabakis, D-Salt Lake City. “It is a ticking time bomb. It’s going to happen in a Utah school,” Dabakis said. “Can you please tell me why we need AR-15s and assault weapons?” Lee’s response was that there is “not, as far as I can tell, a meaningful way to distinguish between the AR-15 on the one hand, and many hunting rifles that are not considered assault weapons on the other hand.”

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Boner Candidate #2: AH, I’LL JUST PUT IT ON THE COMPANY CARD.

A Chicago drug company executive who blew nearly $5.8 million on exotic trips around the world, fancy watches, purebred pooches, and plastic surgery for his former escort girlfriend pleaded guilty this week to racking up the charges on his company’s credit card. Scott Kennedy, 43, copped to one count of wire fraud Wednesday in Chicago federal court in a plea agreement with feds, the Chicago Tribune reported. Kennedy agreed to testify against his ex-girlfriend, Crystal Lundberg, who is also charged, in exchange for prosecutors asking that he serve 3½ years behind bars for his cooperation. Under federal sentencing guidelines, Kennedy faces up to about 6½ years in prison.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS WILL TEACH THEM A LESSON

A Vermont firefighter is charged with lighting his children’s hands on fire in what he told police was an attempt to teach them about poor decision-making. Twenty-eight-year-old Levi Dykema, of Ferrisburgh, is facing three counts of reckless endangerment after police say he covered the hands of his children, ages 5, 7 and 10, with hand sanitizer and ignited it. WCAX-TV reports he is also accused of posting video of the event to social media. Dykema, who has pleaded not guilty, told police he was demonstrating the flammability of sanitizer and attempting to teach them about poor decision-making. Police say the children were not injured, but could have been seriously burned.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: OKAY MIKE…LAY OFF THE O’DOULS.

Second lady Karen Pence Thursday sought to personalize the vice president by revealing how her husband of 32 years likes to wind down. “If it’s Friday night, we better be having pizza for dinner – supreme thin crust with an O’Douls,” Karen Pence said in her introduction of her husband. “Every Friday night.” The revelation before a packed Conservative Political Action Conference was greeted by a smattering of claps, and some audible grumbles that their vice president’s idea of indulgence is non-alcoholic beer. Pence, a devout Christian, shuns alcohol — just like President Trump.

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Boner Candidate #2: I COMMITTED A MISTAKE NOT A CRIME.

A grand jury has indicted Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens on felony invasion of privacy charges following reports that he used a dirty photo to blackmail a woman he was having an affair with. The indictment, which was handed down Thursday afternoon, is directly related to the blackmail allegations, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Greitens, 43, was taken into custody around 3:45 p.m. and booked at the St. Louis Justice Center. He is accused of violating a Missouri statute, which makes it a felony to transmit images contained in photographs or film in a manner that gives someone access to that image via a computer or cellular device, the Post-Dispatch reports.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHAT STEVE THINKS IS FUNNY IS NOT FUNNY

The lieutenant who accused a Michigan sheriff of being a “multifaceted bigot” who belittled women, minorities and the disabled is speaking out, saying he had to step up and do the right thing. Jackson County Sheriff’s Lt. Tommy Schuette filed a lawsuit last week in Detroit federal court against Sheriff Steven Rand and Jackson County, alleging that Rand routinely berated him by “calling out his name in a voice imitating a deaf or mentally disabled person” after Schuette suffered on-the-job hearing loss. “I had to do the ethical, and the morally right thing to do, which was to report it,” Schuette told MLive.com alongside his attorney, Jim Fett. The suit also accuses Rand of calling a former black deputy a “dumb n—r” and a female judge a “scatter-brained c–t,” according to the lawsuit and audio recordings.

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