Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for April 17th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IF YOU CAN’T TRUST MR. MASSAGE IOWA TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MEDICAL NEEDS WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

The man behind Mr. Massage Iowa in Clive is behind bars. Gage Bauer, 26, turned himself in to police Monday for allegedly sexually abusing a 17-year-old client and attempting to sexually abuse another client. “These two women came forward to us separately,” Clive police Chief Michael Venema said. “They have no connection with each other.” After Bauer’s arrest, several women took to the KCCI Facebook page to talk about their experiences at Mr. Massage Iowa. “Once someone breaks that silence, there are others,” Venema said. The women online do not allege sexual misconduct at Mr. Massage Iowa, but said they were uncomfortable when they visited the massage parlor. One woman told KCCI, “I left feeling strange. I left feeling awkward.” The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said her experience with Bauer dates to 2013. She said he talked during the entire massage as though he was flirting with her. “I remember coming home and saying, ‘I think I just got hit on during my massage,'” she said. “You trust that they’re going to be taking care of your medical needs, and this is a violation of that trust,” Venema said.

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Boner Candidate #2: BY ANY OTHER NAME, THE MOOCH IS A PIMP.

The Mooch is helping “Sugar Daddies” hook up with pliant young women seeking “arrangements.” Anthony Scaramucci’s Midtown restaurant, Hunt & Fish Club, is the venue for Thursday’s “Sugar Social,” where 25 “invited gentlemen” will meet for cocktails and dinner with 35 “stunning women.” Scaramucci — the Wall Street whiz who was President Trump’s communications director for 10 days — will not be attending. His publicist Howard Bragman told me, “Anthony is happily married.” Scaramucci and his wife, Deidre Ball, reconciled after she filed for divorce last summer. The email promoting the event promises, “Sugar Socials are our solution to a relationship on your terms — upfront and honest arrangements.” Money typically does change hands. “Meet with 35 stunning women the first hour over cocktails. Select one (or two, if you like) to join you for dinner . . . Need help choosing the right company? Our host will pair you with someone of interest.”

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Boner Candidate #3: WE GOT A TRASH PANDA STONED OFF IT’S ASS.

Firefighters at Wayne Township Station 82 opened the door early Friday morning to a one-of-a-kind request for help: A frantic woman, distressed because her pet raccoon was stoned off of too much weed. The raccoon, according to Wayne Township Fire Dept. PIO Capt. Michael Pruitt, had been exposed to “too much” of someone else’s marijuana, and its owners were worried it was overdosing. Not knowing what to do, they brought it to Station 82. “The raccoon was very lethargic,” Pruitt said. “She started explaining what had happened. There wasn’t really much we could do, it was just the sort of thing that was going to take time.” Recordings of Southwest District’s radio chatter show the raccoon had IMPD officers baffled as well — at first, simply over what substance the raccoon was, in fact, high on. “Apparently they have a pet raccoon that got into their meth,” an unidentified officer is logged saying at 3:57 a.m.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE WERE JUST RECORDING THINGS FOR TRAINING PURPOSES.

Vermont police say the owner of a Middlebury massage therapy business recorded customers with hidden cameras. Police have charged 53-year-old Roger Schmidt with four counts of voyeurism. Police began investigating Schmidt after a Rogers Relaxing Massage Therapy customer filed a complaint. Investigators say they discovered multiple hidden cameras along with 70 videos and image files at Schmidt’s business and his Middlebury home. Police believe the videos and pictures were taken without consent. Four victims have been identified. Police believe there are other victims. It could not be determined if Schmidt is being represented by an attorney.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’M GONNA NAME MY WIFI “I’VE GOT A BOMB”

On Sunday, a Planet Fitness in Saginaw Township, Michigan, was evacuated after a gym patron decided to stop working out and hop online, only to find “remote detonator” among the list of available wi-fi networks. The Planet Fitness was closed for about three hours while a Michigan State Police bomb-sniffing dog was brought in to search for potential explosives, according to the Saginaw News. In the end, none were discovered (because, duh). Still, better safe than sorry, I guess. As for the legality of naming your wi-fi network anything from “remote detonator” to “Samsung Galaxy Note 7”—even if the culprit showed up waving his router in the air—authorities would be hard-pressed to charge him with a crime. According to Saginaw Township Police Chief Donald Pussehl, the incident falls under protected speech. “Everything is perfectly legal from a police standpoint,” Pussehl told the Saginaw News. “There was no crime or threat. No call saying there was a bomb.” While the gym did open a few hours later, the fact that it was closed thanks to some idiot’s lame joke involving SSIDs and fear-mongering is not a great sign for humanity in general.

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Boner Candidate #3: I DIDN’T WANT THE BABIES TO BE EXPOSED TO IT.

A day care worker built a personal “drug den” inside a laundry room cabinet at a YMCA in Montana, where she smoked methamphetamine that eventually permeated every room in the entire building, authorities said. Autumn Sienna Heinz, 30, remains held Monday on $30,000 bail on charges of criminal endangerment, criminal possession of dangerous drugs and criminal mischief following her April 10 arrest, jail records show. Heinz, who primarily worked with infants at the YMCA Learning Center in Missoula, was spotted by other employees in the past month taking breaks of up to 45 minutes at a time, KULR reports. Another employee also noticed Heinz hiding inside a large cabinet inside the facility’s laundry room, where she had been carrying what appeared to be a drug kit, according to the station. YMCA officials then contacted police last week and responding officers found the hidden “drug den” inside the double cabinet, where a piece of cloth was hung inside in an apparent attempt to stop fumes from escaping, The Missoulian reports. There was also a way to lock the cabinet from the inside, according to the newspaper, and officers found a case with a glass pipe and a substance that tested positive for meth.

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