Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for May 14th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE PERFECT CHOICE

A few minutes before the service officially begins at First Baptist Dallas, the orchestra slowly rises into sight, lifted by a stage elevator that delivers them smoothly into position. The robed choir of some 130 people files into place on risers behind them, and a smaller “worship team” of performers strolls out in front. The lights dim, and the congregation—in this setting, an audience—hushes and waits for the show to begin. One Sunday in December, visitors to the church received a booklet containing a photo of the same choir and orchestra, performing behind President Donald Trump. First Baptist retains much of the aesthetic conservatism of its stained-glass-in-the-town-square DNA. The unofficial dress code is “Sunday best,” worshippers sit on wooden pews, and no one brings coffee into the sanctuary. But over the years, the congregation has acquired many of the hallmarks of a contemporary megachurch. In its “worship center,” a stadium-style screen spans the proscenium, which throughout the service displays slick promotional videos, close-up shots of the musicians and performers, and the pastor’s Twitter handle: @RobertJeffress.

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Boner Candidate #2: MINDLESS TEENS AT THE PROM

MIAMI (CBSMiami) – Things got a little wild at one high school prom and some students, and their parents, are not very happy about it. Christopher Columbus High’s big night at the Double Tree Hilton Miami Airport Convention Center on Friday had a jungle theme. Staff and student organizers spruced up the room with jungle themed decorations and made arrangements for several animals to be brought in. Among them was a tiger in a cage. This angered some who said it was animal abuse for the sake of entertainment. Student Marie Christine Castellanos’ brother attended the prom. “My reaction was who got down on one knee and invited this tiger the prom,” she said. Castellanos posted on her Facebook page “How shameful for Christopher Columbus High school …showing its students on prom night who is the “king of the jungle “ this poor tiger was used as an EXOTIC amusement for the mindless teenagers who were present.”

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Boner Candidate #3: MR. HAPPY IS DEAD AND I KILLED HIM.

Geoff Gaylord, 37, entered the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office earlier today and turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend — Mr. Happy. Gaylord told officers he had stabbed Mr. Happy repeatedly with a kitchen knife, cut up the body with a hatchet and buried the victim in his backyard. A remorseful Gaylord told officers he wanted the death penalty for his crime — preferably, “right now.” Gaylord said he killed his imaginary friend of seven years for multiple reasons – one, for being messy. “His room was a mess all the time with his toys and dolls,” Gaylord told police. “He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies and left the toilet seat down when he peed. He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean. Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF (best friend forever). We’d go dancing, play on the children’s park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal – listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: TRYING TO BRING THE PRICE DOWN

EL PASO COUNTY, Colo. – You can’t even step foot inside Paul and Jenny Fisch’s home without wearing a breathing mask, according to KMGH. Their dream home was destroyed after they thought the house was sold. “I mean, there was just no words… the feces and the urine spread all over our white cabinets, all over our hardwood floor, it was even on the ceiling – 10-foot ceilings,” said Jenny Fisch, the homeowner. The Fischs put their home on the market for $450,000 and the first offer they received was for full asking price. They were elated but there was a catch, the buyers wanted to rent the home with the promise they would close in three months. “We were told these people were 100 percent qualified, there was no question about it,” said Jenny Fisch. Everything seemed to be fine and they had no reason to doubt the offer. The realtor drafted up a contract with information about the loan and a closing date of January 31, 2018. The deadline came and went without the buyers closing on their home even though they were already living in it.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE AHWATUKEE LAUNDRY SNIFFER

It’s one thing to be concerned about somebody lurking around your backyard, but how about trespassing just to smell your laundry? That’s what’s happening in one Ahwatukee neighborhood, and it’s all caught on camera. At around 12:30 a.m. Saturday, a homeowner’s motion detection alarm went off. She has asked to stay anonymous. “There was a body back there so I knew there was somebody in the yard,” she said. And she jumped out of bed. “I called 911. I was scared,” she said. She thought this man caught on camera was going to break into her house. But then he does something bizarre and unexpected. He picks up her laundry, smells it several times, and then walks away. Police were on the scene within minutes to make sure the homeowner was safe. But it gets weirder. The day after Christmas, their surveillance camera picked up the exact same thing: a man coming into their backyard and smelling their laundry. She believes it’s the same guy.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE PUPUSAS AT DEL CHINO ARE PRETTY PRICEY.

A waitress at a restaurant in Chelsea, Mass. was stabbed by a man who tried to dine and dash. The waitress, who is identified as a 34-year-old woman, was working at Las Pupusas Del Chino at 11 pm and chased after the patron after he ran out on his restaurant tab. The woman confronted the thief at his vehicle. According to Chelsea Police Chief Brian Kyes, once the woman got to the suspect’s vehicle, he pulled out a knife and stabbed her in the neck and cut her right hand. “She suffered two serious slash wounds — one to her neck and one to her wrist,” said Chelsea police Capt. Keith Houghton to WCVB. The woman was found bleeding about a block away, WCVB reported.  “Everything just happened all of a sudden. When I walked up to the front, they said she’s running to this customer. He went without paying. And so, that’s when I came out,” said restaurant manager Gilberdo Ramos, who arrived on scene as emergency crew was placing the woman into the ambulance, the news site reported.

 

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