Well boys and girls just in time for the Holidays:
It’s The Hebrew Hammer!
That’s Right, He’s the baddest Heeb this side of Tel Aviv – Part man, Part Street & 100% Kosher!
2003 – 85 minutes, rated R. Brought to us by Content Film and Intrinsic Value Films. And, distributed by Comedy Central Films.
Directed and written by Jonathan Kesselman (Jimmy Vestvood) & also written by Adam Goldberg
Adam Goldberg as the Mordechai Jefferson Carver the Hebrew Hammer (Saving Private Ryan, Dazed and Confused, Space Above and Beyond)
Andy Dick as Damien Santa’s Demonic evil son (Hoodwinked 2, Sharknado 2, Brass Knuckle Rudolph)
Judy Greer as JJL special agent Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal (Archer, Antman & Antman 2)
Mario Van Peebles as Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim Leader of the KLF (Heartbreak Ridge, Badassss!)
Melvin Van Peebles as Sweetback of the Pimp Coalition Front (Jaws the Revenge, Last Action Hero)
Peter Coyote as the wacky Star of David eye patch JJL chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal (Confessions of an ex-doofus itchy footed Mutha)
Nora Dunn as the stereotypical Jewish Mother (Bruce Almighty, SNL)
Sean Whalen as the Thug Life crutch beat’n Enforcer Tiny Tim (Special Unit 2, Drive Thru, Employee of the month)
Tony Cox as Jamal leader of the Elf’in Liberation Front (Bad Santas, Willow, Spaceballs, Leprechaun 2)
Richard Riehle as the kinder gentler Santa (Joe Dirt, Axe Cop, Office Space)
Ed Koch as himself tied to a chair in Santa’s basement (Was also supposed to be with Lieberman)
When Santa is murdered by his crazy psychotic son Damien and his trusty minion enforcer Tiny Tim, they set out on an intolerance bender to destroy Hanukkah, Kwanza, the Elf Union and anyone else that annoys them forcing the JJL to call in their most unstable agent and private investigator the Certified Circumcised Dick the Hebrew Hammer. Who, takes the fight right to the new Santa as they battle it out in the U.S., Israel, the North Pole and the hall’s of Kmart to save the holidays.
“Chief, I need you to get in contact with the worldwide Jewish media conspiracy and have them mass produce every holiday movie where the Jewish are depicted in a positive light. You want me to mass produce Yentel, Fiddler on the roof and Chaim Potok’s the Chosen? That will do we just need to get them distributed to the Jewish neighborhoods before we have an epidemic on our hands.”
Other Memorable Lines:
- “This is dedicated to all of the Jewish Brothers and Sisters who have had enough of the Gentiles.”
- “You numb nutted gimpy little bitch”
- “Shabbat Shalom Mf’ers”
- “Attention Kmart shoppers there are Jews in aisle 12!”
A Big Ben’s or Hardee’s bacon swiss cheeseburger with a few latke sliders. A Kosher pack of center cut thick bacon with plain toasted bagels and a schmear of cream cheese. Followed by a Noodle Kugel with a box of Hebrew alphabet gummies. Some Chanukah fruit slices, a few chocolate dreidels and a 64 off SyFo blue raspberry Kool-Aid with a black label kosher maniechewitz wild cherry chaser or whatever makes you see electric menorah lights.
4-1/2 Prozac’s straight up with a few diludid for: Sandy Koufax lunchbox, Dukes where skin is in skinhead bar, Hammer! Don’t hurt’em, the Batman and Robin wall climb, Santa smashed my dreidle and gave me the finger, coked up and crazed attack reindeer, Harriet Tubelman’s Moses basket escape ride. Hey its Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. How about I get you some ear crutches, a Gestapo pool party, Hebrew Hammer the action figure. West bank palms gated community coming soon. A gaggle of little peoples. The JJL pimped out street Caddie, a stunt elf. Little people special forces on Big Wheels, the narcoleptic diaper kitty, and Holy Sweet Baby Jesus, No animals or Gentiles were harmed in the making of the movie!
Final Stupor of Thought:
Watch for the sequel Hebrew Hammer vs Hitler coming soon. Please be kind to one another. And, I am out. Hibernation time for moi.
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