Boner Candidate 1: SUSPECT IS ARMED, DANGEROUS, AND VERY FORGETFUL.
Unidentified man robs ShopRite Bank with just a note. Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Authorities are asking for the publics help in identifying and locating him. The description we have been given is as follows: The suspect is black, about 6 feet tall, with a thin build. He was wearing a burgundy hooded sweatshirt, dark-colored pants, black and white sneakers, olive green beanie with a U.S. Army patch and a light blue face mask. A reward is being offered for information coinciding with suspects arrest. Anyone is urged to call 215-418-4000 or visit tips.fbi.gov with any information.
Boner Candidate 2: OH, SORRY. WE HAVE THE WRONG ROOM
Boston FBI and The Department of Defense barged into the wrong room during a training simulation. The hotel guest was shackled and thrown into the shower while he was questioned for a non-existent crime. The innocent individual was detained and berated for 45 minutes before they realized the mistake. Hotel security then rang the police and EMS. The official FBI statement included the phrase “Thankfully nobody was injured”. We hope the Delta pilot doesn’t have to endure such an experience again.
Boner candidate 3: SHE’S A UNITED STATES SENATOR
Social media erupted after Bud Light partnered with social media star Dylan Mulvaney for a promotional campaign. She was targeted by the right-winged conservatives after the partnership promoted a transgender individual. Kid Rock purchased cans of Bud Light with the purpose of obliterating them with a high powered rifle. Mulvaney has not since commented on that incident. Senator Marsha Blackburn tweeted a statement claiming that Dylan Mulvaney “want(s) to make “this absurdity” normal.”
