Boner Candidate #1: HOMER SIMPSON DOES IT TO BART ALL THE TIME.
A man in Tooele, Utah has been charged after drunkenly choking a child for not doing the dishes. City police responded to a call regarding a “juvenile problem.” When officers arrived on the scene, they came to find the minor and a man who smelled of alcohol. The juvenile told police that they had an argument because they had not done the dishes. The victim goes on to say the man picked them up by the throat, lifted them off the ground, and punched a hole in the cabinet next to their head. Arresting officer reported seeing redness on both sides of the victim’s neck. The defendant admitted to the claims and also clarified that he had consumed multiple alcoholic beverages prior to the altercation. During booking for his arrest, the defendant exclaimed that he was going to “f*** him up,” referring to the victim.
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT LIFE LESSONS ARE THESE LITTLE GIRLS LEARNING?
Lauren Soderlund, a pageant mom to two young girls, has come under fire online for having her children wear fake teeth. Charli, 6-years0old, and Lacie Lou, 4-years-old, both compete in pageants and wear “dental flippers” to cover their missing baby teeth, and make their teeth appear bigger like an adults. Soderlund says it is a common practice and “you’re not going to get the results of winning that you want without it.” She even claimed that it “definitely is necessary” for Charli because she “is missing five teeth.” “They look like the Whos from Whoville,” she joked, accentuating the absurdity of her choice.
!!! WINNER !!!
Boner Candidate #3: HE HAS A DEGREE IN HISTORY FROM YALE.
Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis clapped back at a meme he deemed offensive, but he got one key detail wrong. No Context Brits, a comedy account on “X”, made a post about the United Sates of America’s 250th anniversary, where they brought up a British pub that is far older than the nation. This seemed to have gotten under the Governor’s skin, causing him to reply, “And if it wasn’t for America the insignia on the pub would be written in German.” Other social media users were quick to point out that the UK repelled Germany during the Battle of Britain in 1940. It was the Nazis’ first major defeat in WWII, and it was pulled off with no help from the United States, who hadn’t even entered the war yet. Britain had in fact taken the most horrific casualties while confronting Imperial Germany in World War I. DeSantis, who has a history degree from Yale, got hit with an awkward community note correcting the record.
