Boners

Boner( Round 1 and 2) for January 24th, 2019

Boner Round 1

Candidate #1:LISTEN, THE MAN SAYS HE’S SORRY.

CAPE ELIZABETH, Maine — Police in Maine say a drunken man took the wrong Lyft and tried to get into a house he mistakenly thought was his home.
Cape Elizabeth police say the Falmouth man mistakenly got into a Lyft summoned by a man who lived next door. Police say the man was dropped off early Saturday and staggered toward a nearby home, believing it to be his. Police say he caused a commotion trying to get in, leading the homeowner to call the police.
Cape Elizabeth Police Chief Paul Fenton says the intoxicated man was taken back to the police station to sober up. Fenton says the homeowner didn’t want to press charges.
Fenton says the man is very sorry.

Candidate #2: SO NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE.

A prominent gay conversion therapist and active member of the “ex-gay” scene has announced his intentions to start a new life as a homosexual. David Matheson, author of the book Becoming a Whole Man and creator of several experimental programs which seek to “address incongruous same-sex attractions” revealed he is now seeking to date men.
The announcement was revealed by fellow gay conversion advocate Rich Wyler, founder of the People Can Change organization, in a post to a private Facebook group obtained by Truth Wins Out (TWO), a group who fight against anti-LGBT prejudice and discrimination.

Candidate #3: WELL, I GUESS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL THESE DUMB KIDS ON CAMPUS

A Florida college sent 430 acceptance notices to students whose applications to the school had been rejected.The Admissions 101 blunder was committed by the University of South Florida St. Petersburg. “Once again congratulations on your admission to USFSP!” read an email addressed to prospective students. “We are excited to welcome you to the university and very proud of all that you have accomplished so far.” An hour later, according to the Tampa Bay Times, would-be students received a follow-up saying: “There was an error in the system. Please disregard the previous email.” The school’s chancellor blamed the emails on “human error.” A school spokeswoman said a staff member mistook a list of applicants for a list of accepted candidates, and sent the email in error. “We regret it,” the school’s chancellor said.

Boner Round 2

Candidate #1: THAT’S RIGHT; LOCK THEM UP FOR TRYING TO SAVE LIVES.

Four aid volunteers are facing prison time after leaving food and water inside an Arizona national wildlife refuge where undocumented migrants have died trying to enter the United States.
The volunteers, who are part of the No More Deaths ministry of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Tucson, could be sentenced to up to six months in prison and fined up to $500 after they were convicted Friday by Federal Magistrate Bernardo Velasco. The volunteers — Natalie Hoffman, Oona Holcomb, Madeline Huse, and Zaachila Orozco — were charged with entering a national wildlife refuge without a permit and abandonment of property, according to a statement from the aid group.

Candidate #2: WHEN YOU TAKE A JOB YOU SHOULD BE SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR WITH THE TOOLS NEEDED TO DO IT

Pittsburgh police are investigating an attempted armed carjacking that ended with the alleged carjacker giving up and running away on Shetland Street in the Larimer/Lincoln-Lemington area.
Police said that on January 16th around 5:35 p.m., a 20-year-old man said he had stopped at his house to drop off food for his grandmother and had left his friend waiting inside his running vehicle. The gunman approached as the driver ran into the house. According to police, the gunman then ordered the victim’s friend, who was still waiting inside the vehicle, to get out of the car.
Police said the alleged carjacker repeatedly revved the engine to drive off, however was “apparently unfamiliar with how cars work, because the vehicle was in park the whole time.” The man gave up and fled on foot.

Candidate #3: SOMEBODY MUST HAVE PUT THAT METH IN THEM WHEN I WAS ASLEEP OR I WASN’T LOOKIN’.

Police have charged a Maine mother after her 7-month-old child ingested methamphetamine through breast milk. Authorities say 20-year-old Alyssa Murch, of Bangor, is facing charges of felony aggravated furnishing of a scheduled drug and endangering the welfare of a child. Bangor Police Sgt. Wade Betters says officers responded to a hospital Dec. 16 after the baby was reported unconscious after ingesting the drug. The child regained consciousness by the time police arrived and was being treated by medical staff. The child’s current condition has not been released.

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