Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 7th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HOW TO TIP LIKE A DICK.

In the restaurant world, is there anything worse than a bad tipper? Try a bad tipper who dangles a few measly dollars in front of servers as an incentive for good service. At least, that’s what the internet has collectively agreed. On Thursday, Mark Arum, a newscaster for WSB-TV tweeted about a now-viral Facebook post from someone who allegedly boasted about their success using a certain tipping hack. “As a former waiter, please don’t ever do this. Ever,” Arum wrote. His recent post has already been retweeted over 500 times and has thousands of comments. The hack, which resurfaced from major social media uproar back in 2016, involves putting a total of $5 (regardless of how much the bill may be) in singles out on the table upon being seated at a restaurant. Diners are then advised to remove a dollar each time the server makes a mistake — without saying anything. At the end of the meal, what’s left is the tip.

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Boner Candidate #2: PARKOUR ON A POWER LINE; WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

A man was shocked by more than 7,000 volts of electricity after he scaled a building and attempted to walk on a Florida Power and Light power pole in downtown West Palm Beach. Police said the unidentified man, along with two other people, arrived in downtown West Palm Beach with intentions to train for parkour, which includes running, climbing and jumping.  Police said the three subjects climbed a metal pipe at the rear of a building on the 300 block of Clematis St. and gained access to the roof. The subjects then walked along the rooftop to 100 S. Dixie Highway. The victim attempted to walk on an FPL power pole from 100 S. Dixie Hwy. to 120 S. Dixie Hwy. During his attempt, he touched a live FPL wire and immediately received 7,620 volts of electricity throughout his body.The subjects accompanying him told police there was “an explosion and a white light.” The two subjects climbed down off the building and found the victim in an alley. He was breathing but unresponsive.

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Boner Candidate #3: PLEASE DONALD HELP. THEY’RE OUT TO GET ME.

Now that Alex Jones has been banned from YouTube, Facebook and iTunes, the right-wing conspiracy theorist is reaching out for help from the president himself. On Monday, Jones begged Donald Trump to help him get back on the social media platforms with a monologue that alternately praised the president while claiming that the social media ban is part of a globalist conspiracy against him. At no time did Jones mention the reason the websites gave for permanently removing him: because he violated policies on graphic violence and hate speech. Instead, Jones blamed globalists and the Chinese. He also suggested that Trump make the ban against him a major campaign issue in 2018, according to this transcript by Media Matters: ″If you come out before the midterms and make the censorship the big issue of them trying to steal the election. And if you make the fact we need an Internet Bill of Rights, and antitrust-busting on these companies, if they don’t back off right now,” Jones said.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: SWIMMING TO FREEDOM.

Authorities say a man on the run from police in Vermont drove into a lake in an attempt to escape. WCAX-TV reports police encountered 38-year-old Stephen Salyer, of Enosburgh, while searching for a suspect in an armed robbery of a local gas station on Saturday. The store clerk saw the robber was wearing an ankle monitor, and police traced it to a car traveling through Berkshire. Police say Salyer led officers on a 20-mile chase into St. Albans, where he drove onto a dock and into Lake Champlain. They say Salyer got out of the car and tried to swim away before officers caught him on an adjacent dock. Police pulled the car from the lake.

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Boner Candidate #2: RAND PAUL CAN BE BEATEN.

Senator on war of words between Donald Trump and John Brennan after ex-CIA director called the president’s press conference with Putin ‘treasonous’ and U.S. obligations to Montenegro. #Tucker. Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes reportedly joked on Friday about the assault on Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., by his neighbor, saying it shows ‘he can be beaten’. Associated Press reporter Adam Beam tweeted that Democrat Grimes made the remark at a local Fancy Farm Picnic in Kentucky on Friday, which Kentucky political candidates often use as the kickoff for election campaigns. Grimes is considering running for governor in 2019. “Alison Lundergan Grimes on Rand Paul: ‘Just ask his neighbor. He can be beaten.’” Beam tweeted.  

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Boner Candidate #3: STRING ‘EM UP.

A Kentucky Democratic candidate was condemned by his own party Thursday over a campaign advertisement that appears to depict a lynching. Realtor Bobby Smith placed the ad in the Spencer Magnet, a local weekly publication. It features four bodies appearing to hang from a tree, according to the Louisville Courier-Journal. Each body has different words on it, spelling out “Good Ol’ Boy System.” “Some hard choices need to be made to make Spencer County great again,” the ad stated. “I will make those choices.” Smith is the Democrat running against Republican incumbent John Riley for Spencer County judge-executive, according to the newspaper. The Kentucky Democrats came out in a tweet to disavow the ad. “The Kentucky Democratic Party finds this ad to be offensive and appalling given its imagery,” the tweet said. “There is no defense for making light of lynching. Mr. Smith should rescind it and apologize immediately.” Smith defended the ad in an interview with the Courier-Journal, saying the bodies don’t represent people, but rather show the Spencer County system, with which he is frustrated.

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