Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 11th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE MAN WAS JUST TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN.

A self-fondler is off the streets after exposing himself in front of a Walgreens in South Memphis. A woman contacted police after she saw Clayton Gamble, 31, outside the Walgreens on the 1800 block of South 3rd Street exposing himself. Police said the woman was scared to exit the Walgreens store until police arrived. As police arrested Gamble, he had a spontaneous utterance of “yall can’t let me have no fun.” Gamble was charged with indecent exposer and is being held at 201 Poplar.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE REGRET WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TEACHER. THAT’S WHY WE TRIED TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE.

A DC elementary teacher was sexually assaulted on campus in the middle of a large room. The attack was caught on camera. In a twist, the charter school the teacher worked for switched her to unpaid leave for the rest of the school year. It was the “Muffins For Moms” event, May 23, 2018 at Achievement Prep Academy public charter elementary school in Southeast Washington. On school surveillance video, teacher Page Garbee can be seen posing for a snapshot with one of her student’s mothers and a guest of that parent. Seconds later, that female guest slapped Garbee. “All of a sudden, I felt someone smacking my behind. I stood up, bewildered, looked over and I put out my hands. I’m not sure what I said. ‘No. Stop.’ Then, all of a sudden, there was a hand reaching underneath my skirt. As the woman said, I want to finger your [redacted]. Again, I started backing away. I said ‘no.’

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Boner Candidate #3: WANNA SEE MOMMY’S STASH?

New York State Police say a toddler showed a trooper a bag of marijuana during a traffic stop, resulting in the arrest of the child’s mother and the man she was riding with. State police say two troopers stopped a car Thursday outside Albany and found the butt ends of marijuana cigarettes in the ashtray and a 3-year-old girl who wasn’t in a child’s car seat. Police say while one of the troopers questioned the driver, the girl reached under a seat and showed the other trooper a bag of marijuana and a smoking pipe.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: A JORDAN RIVER GET-A-WAY FROM THE BLUE BOUTIQUE.

A man was arrested Monday evening after allegedly throwing rocks through windows of a local store, and attempting to flee from police by jumping into the Jordan River. Officers with the West Valley City Police Department said the incident initially started as an investigation into a criminal mischief call, where a male was breaking windows at a local business. Two individuals who were working at the Blue Boutique, the business that the suspect allegedly entered and vandalized, said the man went into the store saying he was looking for a job. “Some guy came in saying he wanted to get hired by us,” Jayden West, an employee for Blue Boutique, said. “We didn’t want to hire him because he was in socks and really dirty. Then he started trying to steal stuff, and freaked out, and got into a physical fight with me and my manager.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WHADDA YA MEAN YA ONLY FROZE THE HEAD?

A man is suing a cryonics firm for allegedly not respecting his late father’s wishes—or contract—to have his entire body cryogenically preserved. Instead, the firm severed and stored the man’s head, sending his cremated remains to his son. The firm in question is Alcor Life Extension Foundation, the first and largest business of its kind. The Arizona-based organization cools down recently deceased individuals in the hopes of bringing them back in the future. Laurence Pilgeram, a scientist long involved in the cryonics community, was Alcor’s 135th patient, and is the subject of the aforementioned lawsuit. According to a complaint filed against Alcor by Dr. Pilgeram’s son, Kurt Pilgeram, “Alcor has intentionally caused severe emotional distress to Kurt when they cremated his father’s remains and had them shipped to his house in a box without notice.

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Boner Candidate #3: SOMETIMES SALAMI.

Authorities in eastern Ohio say a grocery store employee has been charged with felony theft for helping herself to deli ham for years. Tuscarawas County Sheriff’s Deputy Brian Hale tells The Columbus Dispatch that an eight-year employee of regional grocery chain Giant Eagle was charged Friday with stealing food estimated by the store to be worth $9,200. The store’s loss prevention manager received a tip that an employee had been eating three to five slices of ham nearly every day over eight years. Authorities say she also sometimes ate salami.

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