Boners

Boner Candidates February 25, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: MORE HUMILIATION FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

New legislation filed in Springfield could make it extremely tough to be a single mother. If a father is not listed on a birth certificate to a newborn child, the bill says a birth certificate would not be issued for that child and any hopes of receiving financial assistance, if needed, would be dashed. The bill does this by amending the Vital Records Act. You may be shocked to hear that HB6064, filed last week, is being sponsored by two white Republican men: Rep. John D. Cavaletto of Salem (which is a couple hours outside St. Louis), and Keith Wheeler, who represents the western ‘burbs. Here’s a snippet from the proposed legislation: “Provides that if the unmarried mother cannot or refuses to name the child’s father, either a father must be conclusively established by DNA evidence or, within 30 days after birth, another family member who will financially provide for the child must be named, in court, on the birth certificate. Provides that absent DNA evidence or a family member’s name, a birth certificate will not be issued and the mother will be ineligible for financial aid from the State for support of the child.” In other words, despite this being the year 2016, some lawmakers feel a single mother has to prove she’s somehow deserving of state aid.

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Boner Candidate #2: LET US HELP YOU STALK THIS CELEBRITY

Erin Andrews’ father feared for his sportscaster daughter’s life after a nude ​peephole video of her hit the Internet — a trauma that has turned her into a “shell of the person” she used to be, he testified Wednesday in her $75 million civil trial. “I really thought that someone was trying to kill my daughter,” Steve Andrews told jurors as Erin quietly sobbed. His voice cracking at times, Andrews recalled the shock and horror of discovering the recording posted online in 2009, saying his daughter was left “terrified.” Erin Andrews, 37, is suing the owner and manager of the Nashville Marriott, where, in 2008, stalker Michael David Barrett doctored a peephole, allowing him to film the nude video that he tried to sell and then posted online. The Andrews family was informed of Barrett’s October 2009 arrest the night before Erin was to return to the air for ESPN for the first time since the video went viral. Steve Andrews said he and his daughter were left “dumbfounded” by the FBI’s explanation.

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Boner Candidate #3: THEM FOREST SERVICE FELLERS BETTER WATCH OUT

It’s the second smallest county by population in Utah, but Piute County is making a lot of noise in the Western Land Movement these days. Longtime rancher Stanton Gleave is at the center of a conflict that includes the County Sheriff on one side and the U.S. Forest Service on the other. Gleave wore his cowboy hat and held up a pocket edition of the U.S. Constitution as he spoke with the Rural Caucus of the Utah State legislature on Feb. 12.”These federal people have no right to be here if you follow (the Constitution),” Gleave said. The Piute County Sheriff, Marty Gleave, (We’re told Marty is Stanton’s nephew) also talked with the Rural Caucus.”We’re not taking no more cuts on the Mountain. I’ll deputize every man, woman and child in the county to stop what’s going on,” Sheriff Gleave said, referring to Monroe Mountain, where the Forest Service has taken grazing permits from Stanton Gleave and another rancher, Keith Anderton.

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