Boners

Boner Candidates June 17, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: ALL MUSLIMS WANT TO KILL ALL GAYS

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala.) on Thursday said that Muslims would “kill every homosexual in the United States of America” if they could, after suggesting that Democrats are trying to appeal to both the LGBT community and the Muslim community. “On the one hand, they’re trying to appeal to the gay community, but, on the other hand, they’re trying to also appeal to the Muslim community, which, if it had its way, would kill every homosexual in the United States of America,” the Republican lawmaker said while being interviewed on the Matt & Aunie show, a radio program in Birmingham, Alabama’s WAPI-AM, as first reported by BuzzFeed News. The statement came after Brooks was asked why Democrats fail to address “mainstream Muslim thought” that calls for the death of gay people, days after Omar Mateen opened fire at an LGBT night club in Orlando, Florida, killing 49 people.

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Boner Candidate #2: A BUNCH OF TEEN DRANK ALL HER VODKA. WHAT WOULD YOU ALL DO?

HOOPER, Utah — A woman from Weber County is facing numerous charges after she allegedly supplied her teenage nephews and their friends with alcohol but become enraged after the juveniles drank all her vodka. According to the Weber County Sheriff’s Office, 30-year-old Brittani Robinson was staying at a home to babysit her 15 and 17-year-old nephews, who also invited several friends over to the home. Robinson supplied the group with beer and vodka, and police allege she drank with the juveniles throughout the evening. However, when she noticed the vodka was gone, she “confronted the teens, threatening to shoot and kill them.” The woman ordered the teens into the garage, where she threatened to assault them if they didn’t pay for the alcohol. According to police: “She told them they couldn’t leave and they were now her slaves for drinking all of the alcohol. She then forced them to take out their wallets and give her all their money or else she would ‘break their faces.’”

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S ONLY A LIGHT BEATING

A leading Pakistani cleric has provided male followers with a step-by-step guide to controlling their women – with a “light beating” suggested at the end of the process for problem wives. Muhammad Khan Sherani, chairman of the Council of Islamic Ideology in Pakistan, offered a weirdly archaic model to men because: “When we draft a bill concerning women we have to consider all possible solutions.” Sherani is proposing a law that would allow husbands to beat their wives. The mullah originally made these statements last month before he doubled down and affirmed them to the BBC in an interview that aired on Thursday:

  • “If a woman does not fulfill her responsibilities in marriage first you advise her.”
  • “If that doesn’t work then you consult her relatives.”
  • “If that doesn’t work then you desert her in bed and if all of this doesn’t work then light beating is allowed.”

Sherani told the BBC that without the beating option, husbands would be powerless to change their wives’ behavior.

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