Boners

Boner Preview Candidates April 5, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: WE DIDN’T CHARGE EXTRA FOR IT

One shopper at a New Jersey Target was in for an unwelcome surprise when, according to police, a used hypodermic syringe was found in a purchased hooded sweatshirt. The Union Beach Police Department posted a safety alert on their Facebook page on Sunday night, informing their followers of the incident, which happened in Middletown. “This is our community, this is where people shop for their children,” read part of the Facebook post. “If you see something, say something. Anywhere, anytime.”

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST GONNA GIVE ME A MUSHER HIGH FIVE

Authorities in Alaska were investigating after a female competitor in this year’s Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race said two men on snowmobiles groped her as her mushing team passed by. Alaska State Troopers were looking into the March 13 incident as harassment for now, Trooper James Lester said Monday. The 27-year-old rookie musher reported the groping at the checkpoint in the village of Nulato, almost 350 miles from the Nome finish line. The incident happened a day after a man on a snowmobile intentionally drove into two top Iditarod teams, killing one dog and injuring others, authorities say.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: JUST BEING HONEST.

During the second half of the NCAA men’s basketball national championship on Monday, Utah Sen. Al Jackson tweeted a derogatory statement in reference to the appearance of the players participating in the game. The tweet said: “Great game tonight. Nice to see two clean cut teams compete void of tattoos and nappy heads.”Jackson, who is black, deleted the tweet and his Twitter account shortly thereafter. “My tweet wasn’t intended to hurt anybody’s feelings,” Jackson told The Tribune on Monday night. “It was an honest observation I made.”

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: I KEEP A HANDCUFF KEY UP THERE AT ALL TIMES…JUST IN CASE.

A Baker County man had a handcuff key hidden in his rectum while he led deputies on a high-speed chase that ended when he was tasered after a K-9 was released on him, according to a police report. Nicholas Byram, 32, was charged with reckless driving, battery of a police officer, resisting arrest, drug possession and concealment of a handcuff key. According to authorities, it all started with a disturbance call on April 2 at a Baker County residence.When the Baker County Sheriff’s Office arrived, they saw Byram leave in the Jeep, the authorities gave chase.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: GET READY FOR HOLY WAR IN MONTROSE COUNTY COLORADO

The Lenco BearCat is covered in armored steel a half-inch thick. It has bulletproof glass, gun ports and can carry 10 people in the back. It also cost Montrose County more than a quarter of a million dollars. “It is expensive, but by the same token, I for one can’t put a value on a human life,” says Montrose County Commissioner Glen Davis. He and the other commissioners recently gave unanimous approval to purchase the vehicle at the request of the sheriff’s office. Davis says there’s a need for this. Three times in the past few years the sheriff’s office needed a BearCat.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: THE GRASS IS GREENER (REALLY) ON THE OTHER SIDE

One of the most prominent areas at Utah State University is now marred by dead grass. A mix-up in chemicals damaged the lawn on Old Main Hill, and it now it will take months for it to completely recover. Last fall, a worker was spraying what he thought was herbicide to help control dandelions and other broadleaf weeds that grow in the area, but something wasn’t quite right, according to Robert Reeder, director of landscape operations at USU. “He came and mentioned it to us and said, ‘Hey I noticed when I was applying the herbicide that it didn’t smell right, and it smelled more like glyphosate,’ which is commonly known as Roundup,” Reeder said.

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