Life

3 ABSURD THEORIES JON SMITH HAS ABOUT KID MOVIES AND TV SHOWS.

Being a Dad of a four year old girl, it’s not out of the question to assume I’ve watched over 10,000 hours of Nick Jr

 

…and the Disney Channel. (Estimate..) Seriously, if it has a talking fish or a princess in it, I’ve seen it over a hundred times. (Estimate). So I think it’s safe to say I’m an expert on the subject. So much so that I’ve started to notice little things that people may not see on their first, or even fifth viewing. I’ve come up with some theories that may shock you. But! I have compelling evidence that some of these shows my child watches, are darker than they may seem. For example:

 

CINDERELLA went crazy and killed her family

 

The story we’re told shows Cinderella in an abusive household. Forced to handle all the daily needs of her angry late Father’s second wife, and her two daughters. Forced to live in the attic, never leave the house,and wear only rags. BUT. What if she’s kept in the attic for her own safety? What if she has shown such a danger to herself and others that she’s not ALLOWED to be outside the house without supervision. Think about what we see in the first few moments of the Disney classic. She talks to mice, and they only seem to be able to talk back to her, and her alone. Also, mice are the only animals which can communicate with her using words. She seems to hate her position in the home, yet we see no attempt to even communicate with the outside world, beyond answering the door. We are also treated to a peek into her vivid hallucinations when she’s cleaning the floor as the message from the Grand Duke of Cinderella-ville arrives via courier.

 

At this point Cinderella believes she is going to go and get some hanky panky with the Prince, and live happily ever after. She believes that her animal friends come to her rescue and fix up her dress, justifying the fact she stole items for her evening were from her step sisters. Now this is where the story takes an even darker turn. When her dress is torn and ruined, she runs to the garden and visits with her fairy Godmother.

This, my friends, is where she snaps. Notice that upon her transformation, the only person she actually interacts with is The Prince. Who in this story, may or may not be real. Chances are, in reality, she’s escaped her tower, kills her family, and believes that she’s living happily ever after in a castle. Which is actually an institution.

 

The leader of the PAW PATROL is Tony Stark’s son.

Welcome to Adventure Bay! A town where the Mayor worships her pet chicken, and all municipal services are handled by a 12 year old boy named Ryder, and his 6 pups. Police, Fire, Construction, Civil Air, Coast Guard, and even trash collection, are handled by a 5th grader and his dogs..

 

Which seems insane, until my wife pointed out that RYDER is actually RYDER STARK the son of IRON MAN. Here’s my evidence. We never learn Ryder’s last name. Really all we know about him is that he’s very charismatic, and very good at building increasingly complicated devices for fighting crime and saving people from disaster. Everything from saving Captian Turbot from an octopus, to retrieving stolen jewels from Adventures Bay’s town rival Mayor Humdinger of Foggy Bottom.

He even LOOKS like a young Tony Stark!

 

The BUBBLE GUPPIES are the children of foreign dignitaries.

Deep in the ocean lies BUBBLETUCKY. A fairly modest town ruled by a queen, and home to 6 young kids known as the BUBBLE GUPPIES (clap clap, Bubble Guppies!)

But who are these kids? And WHY are they the only half-human, half-fish creatures we see?! All the other residents of Bubbletucky are either fish, crabs, or snails. Even when we see other kids, they go to a different school, and are of a different species than the shows main players.

They go to a private school, where Mr. Grouper is able to teach them, and take them on field trips (FIELD TRIP!). When we see the Guppies interact with other characters on the show, they are always well known by residents, are allowed to go to any public events for free, and never wait in line. Which leads me to actually believe that the kids LIVE at the school. We never see the parents, and the only time we even HEAR about a parent is when one of the kids talks to her Dad on the phone. (Molly’s got a new baby sister, which is never mentioned again after the episode.)

So there you have it!  What do you think?  Let me know in the comments, or email me [email protected]

 


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