Boner Round 1
Boner Candidate #1: JESUS MADE ME THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH SO I DO WHAT HE SAYS
Palm Beach Police say a man who who drove a Ferrari into the Palm Beach Inlet last December did so because he claimed “Jesus told me to…” James Mucciaccio, 48, was removing items from his Ferrari while parked on a public dock Dec. 26 when an officer approached him, asking what he was doing. He told the officer that a friend of his told him to park on the dock so he could be picked up by boat.
Boner Candidate #2: MAYBE 10 WHORES WAS PUSHING IT COMMANDER
The commander of a US submarine was relieved of his duty after he admitted to naval authorities that he hired 10 prostitutes while docked in the Philippines, a Washington state newspaper reported this week. Capt. Travis Zettel blabbed to two other sailors at a hotel pool in the Philippines that he hired nearly a dozen prostitutes on March 1, the Kitsap Sun reported, citing documents uncovered through a Freedom of Information Act request.
Later that night, a sailor saw Zettel with 10 “provocatively dressed females outside the front door of the hotel.”
Boner Candidate #3: UTAH COUNTY GOVERNMENT NEEDS A MAN WHO CAN MAKE A GOOD NAZI JOKE.
The Utah County GOP leader who was caught making a Nazi-themed joke on a private Facebook page has been appointed as a top deputy to new Utah County Clerk Amelia Powers.
Josh Daniels, the Utah County GOP Vice Chairman, made the Nazi comment about the Count My Vote group in response to a post about a planned cookout following a Utah GOP State Central Committee meeting.
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Boner Round 2
Boner Candidate #1: I’VE HAD SEVERE BACK PAIN WHY DIDN’T I THINK THIS CURE?
In a new case study, Irish doctors report the baffling case of a 33-year-old man who injected his own semen intravenously for a year and a half, a self-developed “cure” intended to treat his chronic back pain. It does not appear to have worked.
Boner Candidate #2: THEY DIDN’T WANT ME WORKING THERE ANY MORE.
Sarah Elaine Prange and Shanna Marie Kota Port Huron Police Department
Two residents of a Michigan recovery house allegedly spiked a manager’s macaroni and cheese with heroin, authorities said. Shanna Marie Kota, 40, and Sarah Elaine Prange, 22, both of Port Huron, were arrested on poisoning charges Sunday in connection with the incident, according to local reports.
Boner Candidate #3: GUN NUTS AND CANABIS
A prominent advocate in the state’s medical cannabis movement is urging the criminal justice system to consider whether the Utah Gun Exchange co-owner charged last week with intent to distribute the drug was using it as medicine. During a November search of Bryan Alan Melchior’s Sandy home, police say, officers found more than a pound of marijuana, THC products, $36,247 in cash and nearly 30 guns. While police had received complaints that Melchior — known for his counterprotests against Parkland, Fla., high school students — was allegedly selling drugs from his home, DJ Schanz with the Utah Patients Coalition has a different explanation.
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