Lots of talk about VOLCANOES This week, with the situation on the Island of Hawaii.
It really is a TERRIFYING story that is going on right now. We’ve seen video of volcanic lava slowly inching along the ground, eating cars, burning homes and wreaking havoc. So many questions being asked about HOW, and WHY we can’t stop the lava from wrecking houses and farms. “After all I saw in a movie once””… Yeah, we’ve all seen terrible movies about volcanoes, and none of those solutions would work. Mp in full disclosure, I’m not a scientist. I’m an entertainer. BUT! I like to think I’m pretty smart, and quite honestly I have nothing better to do today.. SO! I will give you FIVE VOLCANO MOVIES, and why their solutions wont work for us.
#5 JOE VS. THE VOLCANO!
Solution: HUMAN SACRIFICE!
In 1990, Tom Hanks fought a volcano and won! Hanks stars as Joe Banks. who has a sh*tty job in an office somewhere, and after a terrible day, he told he is dying of a rare disease. With months to live, he accepts a financial offer to throw himself into a volcano on behalf of the indigenous population who believe that only a willing human sacrifice will keep the volcano from erupting.
WHY IT WONT WORK: Tom Hanks is MUCH to big a star to be thrown into a volcano. I mean, we haven’t even seen his Mr. Rogers movie yet! Plus, we he already escaped one volcano, and when we threw him BACK on an island in ’99 he escaped again with nothing but an outhouse and a volleyball. The man is unstoppable.
THE SOLUTION: Return The Heart Of Te fiti
I have a three year old daughter, which means I’ve watched Moana 438,000 times in the last 8 months alone. We find out that the Island of Motunui is nsuffering the wrath of Te Kā, a volcanic demon who is mad at THE Rock, for stealing A rock. That rock is the HEART of Te Fiti, who we find out is a total bitch and is destroying the earth in what could only be described as the worst temper tantrum ever. The only way to save the day is to give it back.
WHY IT WONT WORK:
Living in Utah there is no shortage of dudes trying to sell rocks. Gravel for the driveway, flagstone for the garden, Hell even dudes selling polished rocks to make a snazzy BOLO tie. If a dude in a really nice camper impress Te Kā by handing over a turquoise belt buckle shaped like a badass American Eagle, I think that battle is already lost.
#3 DANTE’S PEAK
SOLUTION: DRIVE OVER IT WITH AN OLD SUBURBAN
That’s not so much as a solution as it is a terrible scene in the movie. In fact going over this movie 22 years after it hit theaters, I realize that this movie had a terrible ending. Pierce Brosnan goes to Idaho or Montana or something and tells everyone to stash the cash and save your ass. And of course nobody listened. SO! The entire town is destroyed, and an old lady melts in a lake full of acid.
WHY IT WONT WORK:
Cars don’t drive on lava, dude. Plus, every winter I see some dumbass hillbilly in a 1980-something ‘burban getting stuck in the snow. SNOW. Not flaming hotter than anything LAVA that’s inching it’s way across a subdivision.
SOLUTION: Uh.. Giant boats? …I guess?
John Cusack is America’s “boy next door” but they should really consider trying him for a crime against humanity for making this pile of snot movie. I’m the guy who likes terrible movies, and even I hated this one. This whole premise was based on the 2012 “Mayan calendar”, which was the y2k for millennials. A supervolcano erupts in Yellowstone and destroys Woody Harrelson right after he shows us his buttcrack. John Cusack steals a Winnebego and OUTRUNS IT. Then he hops on a plane and lives out his days on a giant boat.
WHY IT WONT WORK:
in 1986 , we learn in the movie “One Crazy Summer” that John Cusack is afraid of boats. So there goes that idea.. Plus, have you ever tried to rent a Winnebego this time of year? Forget it.
Which leads us to..
I recently featured this amazing film in my Jon Loves Terrible Movies blog. But in case you’re getting caught up.. In 1997 Tommy Lee Jones pulled a mean face and kicked some volcano ass. Showing no emotion whatsoever, he managed to beat a volcano, fight racism, earn the respect of his daughter, and win the heart of Anne Heche.
SOLUTION: Dump water on it, and send it into the ocean!
Honestly, that DOES seem like a logical solution. But luckily for me USA TODAY recently did a story on this very thing, which breaks it down barney style: “Lava isn’t like water, snow or mud. It’s liquid rock, so it’s heavy, sticky and moving underground. And it’s also nearly 2,000 degrees.” Which I can imagine your average Volcanologist repeats almost as often as “No, I don’t deliver babies”
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