Life

Jon Smith loves terrible movies: VOLCANO!

In 1997..  TOMMY LEE JONES FOUGHT A VOLCANO, DUDE…

 

How in the WORLD can you call this movie terrible??  Today we will attempt to answer that question with another edition of “JLTM”.  Where I will dive in to some of the greatest films in history, and do so ONLY from memory.

In 1997, 20th Century Fox felt the human race was FINALLY worthy of a great movie like VOLCANO!  This tale begins in Los Angeles, California where TOMMY LEE JONES is the head of Emergency Management, with his pal Don Cheadle.  Don, of course plays the SAME gosh-damned character in every movie so imagine “War Machine” sitting at a desk in the 90’s with a Kangol flat cap.    Now I’ll be honest, I slept through this move like 7 times AFTER paying for it on Pay Per View.  So the lovely woman who would become my wife has seen it a lot more than I have.  I think I finally saw the ending in 2003.

 

Tommy Lee Jones is of course, ALSO  the same character in movie so if you can imagine Agent K from Men In Black in a business casual environment, you’re good.   In his trademark vocal cadence, Tommy takes care of BIDDNESS when a Volcano mysteriously starts erupting in the downtown area.  Tommy Lee is all like, “OMG NOOOOO”

 

But Anne Heshe is there, and she helps everyone by rolling a basketball down the street, and literally shouts at Tommy Lee for the whole movie.   Seriously, she shouts every single line in the script.  Things are bad, and the lava just keep spewing out and rolling down the street at a monumentally slow pace.  It’s like running away from a giant garden slug but somehow you cant escape the two block radius in which the film takes place.  One guy is in the subway, and has to help a dude who passed out from the volcanic terror, so he jumps in the lava and slowly melts.  Eeeeeeewwww

 

There some 90’s social commentary, and then everyone hugs and figures out that you can beat lava with a bunch of firetrucks and cement freeway barriers..  YAY SCIENCE!

 

But that’s not the end!  The lava gets all mad, and decides to hit back, and..  Ok honestly, I really can’t defend this movie anymore.  It’s monumentally bad.  But still.   Volcao madness in a city!  Watch!

 


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