Hitting your pre-middle ages in Utah will be an adjustment. Do any of these sounds familiar?
1. Do I have to go hiking?
Everyone you know will suddenly start asking you if you want to go hiking on the weekends…typically after Sunday brunch. You will pack up your Camel Bak, Cliff Bars, Chacos and be forced into walking into the majesty of our backyard. There is nothing wrong with it, but you will wonder how everyone suddenly got into walking on dirt paths. (this goes for rock climbing, too). Oh, don’t forget to sign up for an REI membership. Most bars in Utah won’t serve you a double IPA unless you have it on you.
2. Which Subaru is right for me?
Outback, Impreza, Forrester…it will say a lot about where you hike. Also, if you live downtown, University, Millcreek or Sugarhouse there’s a great drinking game you can play: around 5pm, when everyone is coming home from work, you take a drink for every Subie that passes in front of your house. Double drinks if you have one parked in your driveway.
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3. Do I have to shop at Whole Foods & Farmers Markets?
Yes, you do…if you want to live! You have to put Chia Seed in and on everything. Same with Kale. You’ll pay $5 for a 6oz bottle of liquid called Super Food and you will have no idea why. Organic, GMO-free, fat-free, gluten-free, fair-trade are all your new best friends.
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4. Brunch? What time? How long is the wait?
Yes, you will have to go to brunch on Sunday mornings and wait 45 minutes to get a table. Once there you’ll wait for another 45 to get eggs and yogurt, which would have taken you 10 minutes and saved you $25 if you’d stayed home. The good news? You forgot to hit up the liquor store on Saturday to get champagne and they have $2 mimosas. Drink 4. Do not collect $200. Nap the rest of the day.
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5. Do I have to go to shows at The Depot, Red Butte, and Kingsbury Hall for live music now?
Yes, you do. Morrissey isn’t playing Kilby. Nor are any of your other favorite bands. Besides, science has told us you stop caring about new music at 33. I would guess NoFX comes to Salt Lake and plays Deer Valley in August. More Malbec and grapes, anyone? Also, you’ll go to shows like Steve Miller Band, but no longer in an ironic or cynical way.
Redbuttegarden.org/concerts. Line-up for 2017
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6. What happened to my favorite bar?
It closed. You’re old and the kids have moved on. Another fantastic live music bar with cheap drinks is about to close. Hurry and go pay tribute.
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6.5. Now that my favorite bar is closed where do I go?
Cheers to You is probably still okay…probably. You are over 30 and established, so try a place that doesn’t have a collection of old cans or a special on mind erasers. Maybe Rye, 50 West, Beer Bar/BarX, Whiskey Street, or stay in and have a dinner party because you are over 30.
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7. Drum circle? Why the hell would I want to do that?
The Liberty Park drum circle has suddenly become less mysterious and a little more “I don’t get it” to you.
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8. Which one of my friend’s yoga classes should I attend?
All of them, of course. Your metabolism is slow and that Taco Bell you had for lunch isn’t going to sweat and stretch itself out. It’ll do something to you, but not make you look 23. Double points for yoga hiking.
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9. Do I have to have gluten-free friends?
Yes, if you are over 30, never married, and single you do. Actually, you should become gluten-free. It might help you meet someone at this point. They will have kids and be divorced at least once. Hey, you’re over 30 in Utah. Accept it.
10. What Utah beer will become my beer of choice?
Well, you should go local, unless you’re some kind of a Utah-hater. Since you’re older, pilsners are out. IPAs are in. I like Red Rock’s Elephino, but with so many breweries opening over the last few years, the options are near endless. Grid City, T.F., Level Crossing, Saltfire, Epic, Shades, and on and on.
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