ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: WHERE IS YOUR PROOF BURGESS?
Burgess Owens spent his Monday on Fox News making the baseless claim that Salt Lake City’s murder rate has increased by 40% as a result of “defunding” the police budget by $5,000,000.
Boner Candidate #2: SPOTIFY PAYS THIS GUY HANDSOMELY TO DO THIS CRAP
Joe Rogan suggested that 21 year old’s shouldn’t get vaccinated on his podcast ‘The Joe Rogan Experience.’ Spotify reviewed the episode in question, and decided against removing it.
Boner Candidate #3: YOU DON’T KNOW A HAND GRENADE FROM A SEX TOY.
During a bomb search in the Bavarian forest looking for old mutations from World War II, police found that the grenade they were called to remove was actually a grenade-shaped sex toy.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: WE CREATED A BLANK SLATE
CNN’s political commentator Rick Santorum gave a speech last week about the lack of Native American culture. Santorum spoke about “birthing a nation from nothing,” disregarding the complete eradication of Native American culture.
Boner Candidate #2: WHERE IN OUR SCHOOLS IS AN EXAMPLE OF CRITICAL RACE THEORY? WELL, I’M NOT SURE.
After a 6-3 vote from Idaho’s Senate Education Committee, House Bill 377 was passed. The bill would prohibit any claims that racism and sexism caused key events in history.
Boner Candidate #3: THERE IS HOT SPOT RESERVED IN HELL FOR MR. LAPIERRE AND HIS WIFE SUSAN.
Head of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre travelled with his wife and other NRA members to hunt African Bush Elephants. After LaPierre couldn’t hit the elephant, he shot it multiple times in the wrong place at point blank range while the elephant was immobilized by others. His wife then cut off the tail, and held it in the air.
