Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 30th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: JUST SAY I’M PRETTY. SAY IT. SAY IT.

A Laredo woman reportedly didn’t appreciate her husband’s lack of response when she asked him if she was pretty, causing her to assault him, according to the Laredo Morning Times. Police said 20-year-old Lizeth Guadalupe Ramirez told them her common-law husband assaulted and tried to strangle her, but her husband had a different story. The man said he and Ramirez were seeing a movie when she asked him if she was pretty. He said he did not hear the question, but his lack of response irritated Ramirez. Ramirez then reportedly hit the man several times on their way home before assaulting a relative who tried to break up the fight at the house. She has been charged with two counts of assault, family violence.

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Boner Candidate #2: “COME ON. LEMME SMOKE A BOWL BEFORE JAIL.”

A 20-year-old woman was booked after drinking mouthwash to get intoxicated and asking police if she could smoke marijuana before going to jail, according to the probable cause statement. Francesca Farias-Swenson was booked into Utah County Jail Thursday after police said she was drinking mouthwash to get intoxicated and planned to go up Provo Canyon with her boyfriend. Farias-Swenson called him to come pick her up; she later became angry with him and began kicking the front window of his car before he dropped her off at her parents’ house. Farias-Swenson’s parents refused to let her in and she began walking down the road. Police said her feet were bleeding from the glass and she had a bottle of mouthwash that she told police she had been drinking from. Farias-Swenson then asked police if she could smoke a bowl of marijuana before going to jail and said she had a pill bottle with marijuana in it.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE JUDGE SAID “HE ONLY DID IT ONCE.”

A judge handed down 10 years’ probation last week to a former New York school bus driver after he admitted to raping a 14-year-old girl. Shane Piche, 26, will be registered as a Level 1 sex offender, according to the Waterford Daily Times. The judge reportedly said because he had no prior arrests and there was one victim, the sentence was appropriate. Level 1 is considered the lowest risk level out of three, and Piche will not be included in online sex offender databases. He pleaded guilty in February to raping a 14-year-old girl who he met through his job as a bus driver with the city’s school district, the newspaper reports. Piche also was charged with unlawfully dealing with a child and endangering the welfare of a child after he allegedly gave the girl alcohol. The Times reports Piche is required to pay $375 in court fees and surcharges, plus a $1,000 special sex offender registration fee.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WELL, IT WAS A STRIP MALL.

A woman was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Saturday after police received a report that she was “naked in public dancing, shouting, and grabbing at” her boyfriend. Police responded to The Commons at South Towne, 10391 S. State St., where they made contact with Kaitlin Adderley. According to a probable cause statement, Adderley was dressed when police arrived, but she made a statement to officers saying she had taken her clothes off during an argument with her boyfriend. Police said the incident happened in a busy public area with constant foot and vehicle traffic, and that a 2-year-old child witnessed it. Adderley faces a misdemeanor count of lewdness involving a child and an infraction of disorderly conduct.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE RIGHT WING SMEAR OF MAYOR PETE.

The Daily Beast reported Monday that noted right-wing smear campaigners Jacob Wohl and lobbyist Jack Burkman have been busy trying to cook up a controversy about Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg. The pair have reportedly been trying to recruit Republican men to make sexual assault accusations against Buttigieg, the openly gay Democratic mayor of South Bend, Ind. As with most things Wohl and Burkman touch, the scheme appears to be comically simplistic, deeply cynical, and possibly illegal. One example of the smear campaign being pushed by the two are the made up accusations posted by Michigan college student Hunter Kelly. In a Medium post Monday, a user with a Hunter Kelly profile made a vague accusation that he was “sexually assaulted by Mayor Pete Buttigieg” in February and promised “[i]n the days and weeks ahead, I will share my full story with the nation.” “That post was tweeted out by David Wohl, Jacob’s father, and quickly re-written by the site Big League Politics, which is known as a landing ground for right wing conspiracy theories,” the Daily Beast notes. Subtle.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT HER GOAL WAS.

An Alabama woman is facing several charges over what police say was an “utterly ridiculous” attempt to scare her allegedly cheating husband. Police in Millbrook say 33-year-old Amber Lewis called 911 to report a burglary Wednesday morning. They say when they responded, they found Lewis and a female friend outside Lewis’ home, and the pair told officers they didn’t know who was inside. Officers soon determined that the “suspect” was Lewis’ husband and arrested her for filing a false police report, the Montgomery Advertiser reports. Police say they also noticed a “pervasive” odor of marijuana inside the home and found marijuana, cocaine, and other drugs inside the home, including in a 5-year-old child’s bedroom. As a result of the drug find, Lewis was charged with second-degree possession of marijuana and chemical endangerment of a child. Her husband was charged with drug possession and her friend was charged with lying to police. “Your guess is as good as mine. She knew her husband was engaged in an extramarital affair and called the police on her husband and told us it was a burglary. What her goal was, I have no idea,” Millbrook Police Chief PK Johnson tells the Advertiser. “Bottom line: You lie to the police, you go to jail.”

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