Round One

Boner Candidate #1: EYE IMPAIRMENT…OH AND SHE FAILED WALKING.

South Salt Lake Police responded to a report of a woman who was unconscious in a car at 16 W. 3300 South on Sunday, August 4. An officer found the woman in the front seat with her head on the steering wheel, according to court documents. He asked the woman to roll down her window, and she identified herself as Jami Cooke. As the officer spoke to the woman, he noticed a young boy sitting in the back seat, and Cooke identified him as her son. The officer noticed Cooke’s speech was slow and slurred, and he saw a green straw with burnt ends on the driver’s side floor. He also noticed aluminum foil with what appeared to be burn marks in plain sight on the passenger’s side floor. Cooke was asked to exit the car she consented to field sobriety tests. The officer observed signs of impairment in her eyes and she failed a walking test. A search of the car turned up another straw, a red one with burnt ends within easy reach of the boy in the back seat. Cooke was arrested and booked on suspicion of DUI at age 21 or older with a passenger under 18 years old. She faces several other charges including endangerment of a child, use and possession of drug paraphernalia, and being a fugitive from justice.     Read More

Boner Candidate #2: I GUESS THE OPTICS ARE BAD.

Boner Candidate #3: COME ON DON’T JUDGE! I’M A GOOD GUY, REALLY!

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?

A Louisiana woman allegedly caught with meth hidden inside her vagina said she didn’t know where the drugs came from, police said. Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was accused on July 31 of stealing $5,000 from the apartment of a man she’d been staying with for about a week, according to documents published by the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office. Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, allegedly told police the drugs inside of her vagina were not hers. (Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office) The man told the West Monroe Police Department that while he was showering, Rolland swiped his cash and left. Rolland allegedly confessed to police she did take the man’s money and left his apartment. The documents said a female correctional officer later searched Rolland and, inside of Rolland’s vagina, discovered $6,233 along with “a clear plastic bag” of roughly one gram of meth — which Rolland denied was hers. Rolland was arrested and charged with theft and narcotics possession, online records from the sheriff’s office state. As of Tuesday, she remained behind bars in lieu of $8,000 bond.     Read More

Boner Candidate #2: AMERICAN PRIDE.

A man is facing an assault charge after Montana authorities say someone saw him throw a 13-year-old boy to the ground because the teenager didn’t remove his hat when the national anthem was played at a rodeo. The boy was taken to a hospital in Spokane, Washington, but details about his condition were not released. The witness, Taylor Hennick, told the Missoulian she was at the rodeo on Saturday when she heard a “pop” and saw the boy on the ground, bleeding from his ears. The assailant justified his actions by saying the boy “was disrespecting the national anthem so he had every right to do that,” Hennick said. Curt James Brockway, 39, of Superior, Montana, made an initial court appearance Monday on a charge of assault on a minor. Prosecutors recommended his bail be set at $100,000. Court officials said Brockway’s attorney was working Tuesday to recommend conditions that might allow Brockway be released without posting bond. Brockway is a registered violent offender after being convicted of a 2010 charge of assault with a weapon. District Judge John Larson gave him a 10-year suspended sentence. Brockway is scheduled to be arraigned Aug. 14, when he’ll be asked to enter a plea.     Read More

Boner Candidate #3: THAT WAS A BIT OF A SURPRISE.