ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: IT WAS WORKING FINE. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
Burlington, Ontario – Canadian police shared photos of a vehicle that was pulled over and impounded when the driver was found to be sitting on a folding lawn chair. The Halton Regional Police Service’s Burlington station said officers in Burlington pulled a car over Monday when something seemed off about the vehicle’s driver’s seat. A closer look revealed the driver’s seat of the car was missing and had been replaced with a folding lawn chair. Police said the vehicle was impounded and the driver was ticketed for unsafe vehicle operation and driving with an inoperative seat belt.
Boner Candidate #2: COVID SWINGERS IN N.O.
Boner Candidate #3: I DESERVE AN ELABORATE WEDDING
A British bridezilla took wedding planning to a new low by shaving her head and faking terminal cancer to dupe her friends into donating more than $11,000 for her dream event, according to a report. “It’s gone to my brain, my bones – it’s everywhere,” Toni Standen, 29, who is unemployed, told local media in the elaborate hoax about the disease, the Mirror reported. In an emotional plea, she said she wanted her 57-year-old dad Derek, who was actually suffering from cancer, to walk her down the aisle. He died before the big day but a video he recorded was played at the ceremony. “After hearing her father’s labored words she got up and gave a faultless speech, even cracking a few jokes,” a guest told the news outlet. “Her mother and brother were in bits. We’d all just listened to a father of the bride message from beyond the grave,” the guest added.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: THE POINT OF THE LIE IS JUST TO LIE
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany faced mockery for her botched attempt to attack the communications team President-Elect Joe Biden has chosen for his incoming administration. On Sunday night, the news broke that former White House communications director Jen Psaki will be Biden’s press secretary. Many of the Biden campaign’s other high-profile female members are also getting major jobs in the new White House press shop, so multiple outlets took note of how Biden chose a team of women to lead the communications department.
Boner Candidate #2: AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF REFLECTION….I SCREWED UP.
PARIS—Belgian police have broken up an illegal lockdown orgy involving around 20 men including at least one foreign politician and several diplomats in a central Brussels bar, according to local reports. Officers burst into the ground floor of a bar on Rue des Pierres in the Belgian capital on Friday night to discover alcohol, drugs, and what has been described as “a party of legs in the air,” Belgian newspaper La Dernière Heure (DH) reported, with a source claiming, “We interrupted a gang bang!” One of the revelers was Jozsef Szajer, a Hungarian Member of the European Parliament (MEP) and a senior figure in Viktor Orbán’s ruling far-right Fidesz party until he resigned on Sunday. He tried to escape through a window and along the gutter but injured himself and was then confronted by police reinforcements that had just arrived. Some reports claimed the politician tried to invoke a parliamentary right to immunity but European Parliament regulations state that members can be subject to “inquiry, detention or legal proceedings” if they are “found in the act of committing an offense.”
Boner Candidate #3: THE POLICE WERE HAPPY TO COME TO HIS AIDE
BLAIR COUNTY, Pa. — An Allegheny County man is in Blair County Prison after state police say he called for help after running out of gas in a stolen SUV. Daniel M. Rizza, 20, of McKeesport, called state police and asked for assistance after running out of gas in a gray Audi on Nov. 27 just after 5 p.m., but when he was told a trooper was responding he said he didn’t want an officer before hanging up, according to charges filed before Magisterial District Judge Andrew Blattenberger. Rizza was on old Route 22 in Juniata Township and parked on state game land. While state police were on their way, a Pennsylvania State Game Warden arrived.
