Boners

Boner of the Day for December 8th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: SO, NOW WHAT?

Donald Trump presented legendary wrestler Dan Gable with the Presidential Medal of Freedom at the White House, then walked out on the ceremony. Per the Big Lead: After Gable received his medal, he gave a speech and then the assembled press tried to ask Trump questions about attending the inauguration of Joe Biden and things of that nature. Trump wanted nothing to do with it and just kind of walked out, looking agitated, leaving Gable and his family hanging in the Oval Office. If the description doesn’t make it sound awkward, just look at Gable’s reaction. Trump is on a run with handing out the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor. Last week, he honored College Football Hall of Famer Lou Holtz, who won a national title in 1988 as the head coach at Notre Dame.

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Boner Candidate #2: THEY’RE USING THAT STUFF IN THEIR VOODOO

ORLANDO, Fla. — Detectives are investigating after discovering that someone stole remains from four graves that were found vandalized at Edgewood Cemetery in Mount Dora on Sunday, the Lake County Sheriff’s Office said. In a statement, agency spokesman Lt. John Herrell said someone had gained access to the four graves and tried to access a fifth. Crews were working Monday to repair the damage to the graves. “Detectives and crime scene investigators responded to the scene and began the investigation and found evidence that suggests that this incident is very likely tied to some form of ritualistic activity,” Herrell said.

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Boner Candidate #3: THAT’S NO WAY TO TREAT THE GEEK SQUAD

After being denied Geek Squad service at a Best Buy store due to his refusal to wear a mask, a Florida Man allegedly coughed and spit all over a store counter before spraying a beverage from his mouth as he departed the business, police charge. Alton Ashby, 51, was arrested for disorderly conduct following his outburst Saturday afternoon at a Best Buy store in Vero Beach. Ashby, who lives in nearby Palm Bay, was freed from the Indian River county jail after posting $500 bond. According to an arrest affidavit, the maskless Ashby walked up to the Geek Squad counter, where a worker asked him to put on a mask. When Ashby refused, the worker summoned her manager, who provided Ashby with a mask.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: OH, YUCK

CLEARFIELD, Utah — A Clearfield man smeared feces on a police officer during a disturbance at an apartment complex Monday. Police say a woman claimed Nathaniel Dodd would not let her into an apartment. When police responded, Dodd began “yelling, screaming, and shouting profanities” at the officer and the woman, according to the arrest report. During the encounter, Dodd bent down and picked up dog feces with a paper towel. After Dodd became even more agitated, the officer requested he calm down and stop. When he refused to stop yelling, the officer attempted to escort Dodd out of the room. While being led from the room, Dodd struck the officer in the chest and smeared the dog feces on the officer’s vest. Other officers were able to put handcuffs on Dodd and take him into custody.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS TRUMP’S FAULT

Michigan officials last month certified the state’s election results showing President-elect Joe Biden had won Michigan, one of a handful of key battleground states, in the course of his Nov. 3 election victory. President Donald Trump has repeatedly claimed, contrary to evidence, that the outcome was marred by widespread fraud in multiple states. State and federal officials have repeatedly stated that there is no evidence of fraud on any significant scale, and Biden is to sworn into office on Jan. 20.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS LOOKS LIKE THE WORK OF BUD LIGHT MIKE

Treasure Island, FL — A convicted felon whose alias is listed as “Bud Light Mike” in police records was arrested Saturday after allegedly stealing a case of America’s favorite beer, court records show. According to Florida police, Michael Filipkowski swiped 24 cans of Bud Light from a Publix supermarket in Treasure Island. Filipkowski, 51, was subsequently arrested after being found in possession of 21 of the purloined cans. Since Flilpkowski’s rap sheet includes multiple prior theft convictions, he was charged with a felony theft count. He is locked up in the county jail in lieu of $2000 bond.

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