Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for February 10th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: Well, Maybe $100 Billion is Enough

Latter-day Saint officials kept the size of the church’s $100 billion investment reserves secret for fear that public knowledge of the fund’s wealth might discourage members from paying tithing, according to the top executive who oversees the account. For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, tithing — donating 10% of one’s income to the faith — “is more of a sense of commitment than it is the church needing the money,” Roger Clarke, head of Ensign Peak Advisors, which manages the denomination’s investing holdings, told The Wall Street Journal. “So they never wanted to be in a position where people felt like, you know, they shouldn’t make a contribution,” Clarke said. The Journal’s exploration of church financial holdings included interviews with Clarke and top Latter-day Saint officials, including Presiding Bishop Gérald Caussé, the ecclesiastical leader who oversees the Utah-based faith’s vast financial, real estate, investment and charitable operations. Neither Clarke nor other officials would provide The Journal with details on the size of the church’s annual budget or how much money goes to Ensign Peak. But, the paper reported, they “gave estimates for its main areas of expenditure that, collectively, total about $5 billion.” Read More

Boner Candidate #2: Please Arrange Your Drug Deals After School

(CNN) – A teacher from Jacksonville, Florida is facing felony charges after police said she tried to buy methamphetamine while at school. Valerie Lee Prince, a first-grade teacher at Jacksonville Heights Elementary School, contacted an undercover officer with the Clay County Sheriff’s Office. In an audio recording released by CCSO, a woman can be heard talking to an officer about buying an $85 “eight ball” – an eighth of an ounce – of methamphetamine, according to CNN.The woman, identified as Prince by CCSO, told the undercover officer he could come to the school before the kids get there at 8:30 in the morning or during her lunch break at 11 a.m. “It was a pretty nonchalant request and the indication was it was no big deal to the suspect,” Clay County Sgt. Vincent Hall said. Lt. Domenic Paniccia with CCSO said Prince had planned to leave her classroom of first graders to go buy the drugs, use some and save the rest for her boyfriend. Prince was arrested after school and is facing a charge of possession of methamphetamine, CNN reported. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: The Heinz Defense

A New York City subway passenger came up with an interesting way to maintain his personal space. In a tweet on Friday, journalist Pervaiz Shallwani shared a photo of an MTA subway car with ketchup all over the floor. “A straphanger in morning A train pulled a bottle of ketchup from his bag and squirted a perimeter on the train car floor to keep folks from crowding his seat,” he tweeted. In the photo, a woman sits beside the empty seat where the culprit sat before apparently fleeing the messy scene. “Props to the woman seated next to him who is not going to give up her seat,” Shallwani added. Minutes later, the official Twitter account for New York City Transit caught wind of the tweet and responded: “Good morning. Do you have the 4 digit train car number the ketchup is in?” After Shallwani responded, transit authority tweeted back, “Thanks for letting us know. We’ll ask our maintenance team to clean this up ASAP.” Read More

 

ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: Officer Rub Down

The masseuse had just rubbed oil on the naked undercover officer lying on her table in a Midvale massage parlor. She started on his back, then told him to flip over. Eventually, she tapped him on a leg and told him the massage was done. For some police agencies in Utah, that’s where the touching would end. But the Unified police officer urged her to continue, motioning to her that he wanted a sex act, he later wrote in a 2018 police report. The woman complied, removing a small towel that was draped over his waist, and began touching his genitals. “I stood up and removed [her] hand,” he wrote, “ … and told her I needed to use the bathroom immediately. I gave the bust signal.” As he was putting his clothes back on, other officers burst into the business to arrest her. Unified police officials say this was not unusual; about half of their undercover operations targeting so-called massage parlors involve the masseuse touching an officer’s genitals before an arrest is made. It’s necessary, they say, to show that the employees are engaged in sex acts because it can be difficult to communicate with workers who do not speak fluent English. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: RIP Luke Perry

One of the Oscars’ biggest snubs came in the “In Memoriam” segment, of all places. The annual montage, which highlights notable deaths in the film community over the past year, did not include Luke Perry. The segment at the Academy Awards — which were held Sunday at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles — included the recent notable deaths of Kobe Bryant, who died in a helicopter crash in January, and Kirk Douglas, who passed away last week, as Billie Eilish covered The Beatles’ song “Yesterday.” But Perry, who was best known for his show “Beverly Hills 90210” but also appeared in movies like “The Fifth Element,” was nowhere to be found. Perry died in March 2019 at the age of 52. He was hospitalized after suffering from a stroke and died five days later. The snub was especially egregious considering that Perry made a cameo in one of the year’s Best Picture contenders, “Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood.” However, “Riverdale” gave a sweet tribute to Perry last year, which the cast and crew called “cathartic.” Perry wasn’t the only actor snubbed from this year’s “In Memoriam”. As Skai Jackson pointed out on Twitter, the academy also left out actor Cameron Boyce, who died in his sleep at the age of 20 due to a seizure in July of last year. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: What Part of ‘Back Off Bitch Before We Come Get You’ Sounds like a threat?

The rapper was criticized for his harsh statements regarding King last week, in reaction to her highly controversial interview with WNBA star Lisa Leslie where the TV host discussed the late Kobe Bryant‘s 2003 sexual assault case. King asked Leslie during a CBS This Morning interview, “It’s been said that his legacy is complicated because of a sexual assault charge, which was dismissed in 2003, 2004. Is it complicated for you as a woman, as a WNBA player?” Leslie replied, “It’s not complicated for me at all. Even if there’s a few times that we’ve been at a club at the same time, Kobe’s not the kind of guy – never been, like, you know, ‘Lis, go get that girl, or tell her or send her this.’ I have other NBA friends that are like that. Kobe was never like that. I just never, have ever seen him being the kind of person that would do something to violate a woman or be aggressive in that way. That’s just not the person that I know.” The case was dismissed in Colorado after his 19-year-old accuser refused to testify on Sept. 1, 2004. He later released a public apology acknowledging that while he believed the pair had consensual sex, he understands that she did not view the incident that same way. She later brought civil charges against the Lakers star, which was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Read More


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