Boners

Boner of the Day for January 13th, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IF YOU OWNED A TANK, IT WOULD BE HARD TO NOT SHOW OFF.

PALMETTO BAY (CBSMiami) – Residents of the usually quiet South Florida community of Palmetto Bay are buzzing after spotting one of their neighbors riding his military style tank down residential roads. Many were confused by the sight and wondered if it’s even allowed and apparently it is. The tanks belong to the person who lives on a gated property off Old Cutler Road. Despite the fact that the tank is legal, it’s too close for comfort for some neighbors. “For the most part it’s unusual to say the very least and with the present state of politics, it’s concerning,” said resident James Woodard. anks have been around for more than a hundred years, but usually you see them on the battlefield. A quick check on the internet reveals sites selling the heavy-duty machinery, sometimes for hundreds of thousands of dollars. The tanks in Palmetto Bay, CBS4 News was told, are British grade. CBS4 News tried to speak to the owner of the property, but was told through a security speaker at the gate that nobody was there to talk about it.

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Boner Candidate #2: RITE AID MANAGER DOES WHAT HANS GRUBER COULDN’T

He’d rather live free. Bruce Willis was asked to leave a Los Angeles Rite Aid on Monday after he refused to wear a mask, a spy tells Page Six. The spy says people inside the store became upset that Willis, 65, wasn’t wearing a mask — despite having a bandanna tied around his neck, which he could have easily pulled up. We’re told the “Die Hard” star, who was photographed at the store without a mask on, walked away without making his purchase. A rep for Willis didn’t return Page Six’s request for comment. Los Angeles County, the epicenter of the coronavirus crisis in California, has surpassed 10,000 COVID-19 deaths. Willis has spent much of the pandemic quarantining with ex-wife Demi Moore and their grown children, Scout, Rumer and Tallulah, at the family’s home in Idaho. Speculation buzzed last year that Willis’ current marriage to wife Emma Heming was on the rocks given her choice to stay in Los Angeles with their young kids, Mabel and Evelyn, but Scout later cleared the air on the rumors.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE CAT IS IN THE BAG

Out musician Azealia Banks has shocked her fans by posting what appears to be a video of her digging up her dead cat and eating it on Instagram. “The cat is in the bag!” she said during the video. Banks is no stranger to controversy. She is out as bisexual, but she has viciously attacked transgender people and gay men in the past, insulting people who transition and using the slur “f—–” when she gets angry. But even fans who stuck by the “212” singer through her homophobia and transphobia are shocked now. Banks posted a video that appeared to be a tribute to her recently deceased cat with the caption “Lucifer 2009 – 2020. My Dear kitty. Thank you for everything. A legend. An icon. Forever a serval serve.” In an Instagram Story which has since been taken down, she appears to be recording an unidentified person as they dig the cat up, according to The Sun. Banks is laughing in the background as she made up a rap about it on the spot. Then she appears to boil the cat in a big pot.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: UTAH MAN CLAIMS TO BE CHINESE SPY

LĪHU‘E, Hawaii — A Bountiful man’s Hawaiian vacation became a nightmare of his own doing after he was arrested twice for violating the state’s 10-day travel quarantine rule. David Barnes, 50, arrived on the island of Kauai on Dec. 28 and was instructed to immediately quarantine for 10 days. After securing reservations at a local hotel, Barnes was allowed to leave the airport. Instead of traveling to his hotel, Barnes left by foot and was seen walking to a nearby Costco. Police arrested Barnes for violating the state’s COVID-19 rules and released on $1,000 bail and ordered to complete his quarantine. On Jan. 5, Barnes was found to be in violation of the quarantine again and arrested on three counts of violating Hawaii’s emergency rules. Barnes was also charged with one count of simple trespass and remains at the Kaua‘i Community Correction Center.

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Boner Candidate #2: EVEN AFTER THE TERRORIST ATTACK SHE’S KEEPS AFTER IT.

Rep. Lauren Boebert, who has bragged about her desire to carry her glock pistol into the Capitol, got into a standoff with Capitol Hill police and wouldn’t let them search her bag after she set off the security alarm on Tuesday night before she entered the House floor. Republican House members are raging about the newly-installed metal detector they need to pass to get onto the chamber floor after being warned not to bring firearms with them when they come to vote. Rep. Lauren Boebert, who has bragged about her desire to carry her glock pistol into the Capitol, got into a standoff with police and wouldn’t let them search her bag after she set off the security alarm. Boebert, who supports QAnon theories and made a name for herself carrying her fire arm on the campaign trail, walked through the screening process with her bag, which set off the magnetometer. She refused to hand the bag over to be searched.

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Boner Candidate #3: SOMETIMES I THINK THE HUMAN RACE IS JUST DOOMED

More than 300 people joined together on Zoom and Facebook Live to honor the late Calvin C. Goode, a civil rights activist and the “conscience” of the Phoenix City Council for a record 22 years, in a virtual ceremony on Tuesday. But after only 20 minutes, it was interrupted when at least two people shouted racial slurs such as the N-word and other obscenities. Goode died on Dec. 23 from an illness not related to COVID-19. He was 93. Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego was in the middle of her remarks when the shouting started during the online ceremony. She tweeted a statement shortly after: “I condemn the racists who disrupted Vice Mayor Goode’s funeral services. This is horrific and does not represent the values & commitment of our community. I am determined to continue Vice Mayor Goode’s fight.”

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