ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: IM NOT GOING TO BE SIDETRACKED BY THE COLOR OF OUR CHILDREN
Republican representative Matt Gaetz launched into a tirade at a House Judiciary Committee after a black congressman from Louisiana accused the Republicans of ‘concious bias’ in their policing act. The Florida politician had the tense exchange with Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA) while the Democrat offered comments about the Justice in Policing Act. Richmond was speaking to his frustration with Republican efforts to include language in the legislation geared towards Antifa. ‘By the time I am finished you will be clear that we are not good friends,’ Richmond said before explaining that he had experienced police brutality and feared for his son. The Florida politician had the tense exchange with Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA) while the Democrat offered comments about the Justice in Policing Act. ‘To my colleagues, especially the ones who keep introducing amendments that are a tangent and a distraction to what we are talking about, you all are white males, you have never lived in my shoes and you do not know what it is like to be an African American male,’ Richmond declared. The Democrat shared that he was fine with voting on the bill in its present state but really stressed that he did not have time for the partisan politics.
Boner Candidate #2: FARTING WITH FULL INTENT
VIENNA, Austria – A man in Vienna has been fined $565 for breaking wind loudly in front of police—a move that the Austrian capital’s police force was at pains to defend on Tuesday. The Oesterreich newspaper reported that the fine stemmed from an incident on June 5 and that the offender was fined for “offending public decency.” City police wrote on Twitter that “of course no one is reported for accidentally ‘letting one go,'” reports the AP. They added that the man had behaved “provocatively and uncooperatively” during an encounter with officers that preceded the incident. He got up from a park bench, looked at officers, and “let go a massive intestinal wind, apparently with full intent,” they said. “And our colleagues don’t like to be farted at so much.” Police noted the decision could be appealed.
Boner Candidate #3: IS THAT A PINOT NOIR IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?
ESTERO, Fla. – Lee County deputies are looking for a man accused of stuffing 7 bottles of wine in his pants at an Estero Total Wine and stealing them. The man stole the bottles during three separate trips, according to Crime Stoppers. The wine was worth $794.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: HE’S THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Uncle Ben might soon be joining Aunt Jemima in retirement. Brand owner Mars says it is planning to change the rice’s “brand identity,” which has long featured a photo of an African American man. The name, which dates to 1946, comes from a black Texan rice grower, while the picture is of a “beloved Chicago chef and waiter named Frank Brown,” according to a company website. Mars said Wednesday that “now is the right time to evolve the Uncle Ben’s brand, including its visual brand identity, which we will do,” CNN reports. It added that it doesn’t “yet know what the exact changes and timing will be,” but it is “evaluating all possibilities.” Mars exec Sara Schulte tells AdWeek that the company was looking at changes “even before the news of Aunt Jemima.” Historians including Ronald L.F. Davis note that in the Jim Crow era, black men were often called “Uncle” or “Old Man” to “denote inferiority”—and because white Southerners refused to call black men “Mr.” “The only time blacks were put into ads was when they were athletic, subservient, or entertainers,” Marilyn Kern Foxworth, author of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben and Rastus: Blacks in Advertising Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow, told the New York Times in 2007 after the company “promoted” Uncle Ben to chairman.
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT A NICE SURPRISE
Houston, TX — Authorities in Texas were called to a family’s home when they received an unexpected package containing 32 bags of marijuana. The Harris County Sheriff’s Office said deputies were called to a Houston home after the residents reported receiving a package they hadn’t ordered that was filled with cannabis. “If it is yours please contact the Harris County Sheriff’s Office to claim it,” the sheriff wrote in an Instagram post. Marijuana is illegal to possess in Texas.
Boner Candidate #3: THERE’S SOMEONE LIVING IN OUR HOUSE
London, ENGLAND — A member of a house share in London has claimed that they discovered their landlord had secretly been living in their house for two days. The creepy story was shared on Reddit’s Ask UK forum as they sought advice on how to handle the bizarre situation. The unnamed tenant said that their landlord had come over unannounced earlier this week to “inspect” the property. They left him to get on with it and had assumed he exited the place a short while later. However they soon discovered a light had been left on in their spare room and the door was locked, so they messaged asking the landlord to return and switch it off, as they didn’t have a key. But this is where things get really odd. The tenants claim to have received a reply from the man, telling them he was still in the house. The person wrote: “I texted asking him to come and turn the light off and he admitted that he was here in the house! “After we confronted him, he proceeded to lie and say ‘he’d informed us all that he was staying here for a few days’. None of us had any clue!
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