Boners

Boner of the Day For March 4th, 2019

Round 1

Boner Candidate #1: I AM THE TOE SUCKING GOD

A homeless man who claimed to be a god-like, mythical figure sent down from heaven to seduce women was convicted of breaking into a woman’s home and sucking on her toes. Richard Michael Parkhurst, 29, was convicted in California court of a felony burglary count and three misdemeanors, including one count of peeking into an inhabited building and two counts of indecent exposure. He was also charged with a felony count of assault with the intent to commit a sex offense, but jurors were undecided on a verdict. Prosecutors eventually dismissed this count, according to Patch.

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Boner Candidate #2: SHE IS THE HOST BODY AND WILL SOON GREET A NEW GUEST

The newly elected Florida House Speaker said he was just trying to use medical terminology when he repeatedly referred to pregnant women as the “host body.” Jose Oliva, a Republican politician from Miami Lakes, trotted out the phrase five times during an interview late last week while discussing abortion law. “Well the challenge there is that there are two lives involved,” Oliva said on CBS Miami. “So, where I believe that we should stay out of people’s lives, I don’t believe that people’s lives should be taken. It’s a complex issue because one has to think, well there’s a host body and that host body has to have a certain amount of rights because at the end of the day it is that body that that carries this entire other body to term. But there is an additional life there.” The phrase, which took all humanity out of the mother, was met with immediate backlash from Florida Democrats and activists.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE”S GUILTY

A man called for jury duty in Hawaii shouted “he is guilty, he is guilty” outside a courtroom and ended up spending a night in jail. That’s according to a lawyer representing Jacob Maldonado. The attorney says Maldonado was having a bad day during Tuesday’s outburst and wanted to get out of being on a jury on an assault case. The judge wasn’t amused and ordered Maldonado’s arrest on a contempt charge and set a $10,000 cash bail. Maldonado spent the night in jail. He was released without being charged or fined.

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Round 2

Boner Candidate #1: WELL THE DOG CAN’T SKI

Officers with the Cottonwood Heights Police Department rescued a dog which was left in a car at a park and ride. Police say the owner enjoyed a day of skiing while the dog was left inside a cold vehicle. Officers kept the dog warm and fed at the police station. Police did not specify the breed of dog. The owner is now facing criminal charges.

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Boner Candidate #2: I GRANT MYSELF A PARDON

A warrant has been issued for a man accused of creating and sending a fake letter from the West Virginia Governor’s Office, in an attempt to have his past crimes pardoned. A criminal complaint says James Justice II, 49, of Nitro, forged the governor’s signature on a fake letter, saying that he was being pardoned of all probation and felonies. The complaint says the forged document also had two fake West Virginia seals on it. The letter is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.

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Boner Candidate #3: TO BE FAIR THE CHILD WAS IN AN APPROVED AND PROPERLY INSTALLED CAR SEAT

The woman caught on video crashing her car into the Los Angeles Police Department San Pedro station’s lobby – with her two-month-old baby in tow – will face multiple charges, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office said Wednesday. Michelle Betancourt, 29, faces one felony count each of child abuse under circumstances or conditions likely to cause great bodily injury or death, assault upon a peace officer, vandalism over $400, resisting an executive officer and battery with injury on a peace officer, as well as one misdemeanor count of hit-and-run driving resulting in property damage, the DA’s Office said.

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