ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: I WAS BORED
FORT WORTH, TX – Hundreds of people crammed into a warehouse in Tarrant County on Friday and Saturday night to celebrate a bar director’s birthday in spite of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Corey Mobley said he decided to have a party for his 37th birthday at the last minute and invited hundreds of his friends to the secret location. The rain on Friday night kept some people away, so he decided to have a second round on Saturday. “I was bored and there’s nothing else to do,” he said about the parties. Mobley is the director of operations and founder of Whiskey Garden’s Turtle Races, an event usually held every other Monday in which an array of turtles race to a finish line. He plans and hosts parties for the bar and throws an annual birthday party, he said. Since the bars are closed, he decided to have the warehouse parties instead. On Friday, 300 to 400 people filled the warehouse. On Saturday, hundreds more showed up. Mobley broke open a coronavirus-themed pinata filled with mini bottles of Rumple Minze, and photos show the crowd of people packed together to take a picture. When asked if he would have another party, Mobley said if the bars were not opening back up Friday, then he probably would.
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT A LOVING TRIBUTE TO A ROMANTIC MOMENT.
A girlfriend was left red-faced after her partner surprised her with a decorated cake to ‘smelly-brate’ her first fart in front of him – after three years. Ryan McErlean, 24, purchased the cheesecake to say congratulations to his girlfriend Kaylie Warren, 21, after she let rip with an embarrassing fart while in bed next to him last week. The Gold Coast couple made a pact a month into their three-year relationship that if Ms Warren ever farted in front of Mr McErlean, he would buy her a sweet treat. But Ms Warren never expected the hand-iced $40 cake her boyfriend delivered her after she accidentally trumped in the night. Mr McErlean shared the hilarious story online which saw the post going viral on Facebook, racking up thousands of likes and shares. ‘With me, it was like three hours, or maybe a matter of days,’ he said. ‘But Kaylie is more polite when it comes to that sort of thing, so maybe a month or two into our relationship when I hadn’t heard one yet I said it to assure her it was alright to do – it was to break the ice. ‘Three years of extreme reluctance and denial later, she finally slipped up. ‘I spent $40 on the cake and Kaylie started laughing when she saw it, she thought it was incredible.
Boner Candidate #3: WELL, EXCUSE ME!
The Kaysville City Council — in a revolt against Mayor Katie Witt — was considering turning on sprinklers and cutting power to a city park to stop a protest concert she backed there that openly aimed to defy state COVID-19 restrictions. Word about these possible city actions was enough Thursday to chase away the May 30 concert — featuring country star Collin Raye — which now will move to the Studio Ranch Amphitheater near Grantsville. “The city of Kaysville is really, really confused internally,” concert organizer Eric Moutsos said in explaining the decision to move. “We were invited by the mayor. The City Council knew, and now they’re wanting to turn sprinklers on us to ruin our equipment.” Moutsos — who has led several protests around the state against virus restrictions — provided a copy of a draft news release given to him (which Witt confirmed was genuine) that warned the city would use sprinklers, cut power, lock parking gates and seek both criminal and civil legal action against anyone responsible for the concert. “It was a direct threat,” Moutsos said. “What I want to do now is have our next rally in our swimsuits in Kaysville’s Barnes Park because it’s absolutely ridiculous that the City Council did what it did to the people of Kaysville and Mayor Witt, and they should be ashamed.”
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BUILD RAPPORT WITH MY COLLEAGUES.
BERKS, UK – A rookie cop has been banned from the job for life after stealing seven breakfasts from the canteen in his first week. Officer Jamie Larman helped himself despite knowing he was meant to pay for the grub, a misconduct hearing was told. Trainees whose homes were more than 20 miles away could stay on-site and get free meals but he lived nearer to the training centre in Sulhamstead, Berks, He was caught when another Thames Valley Police officer heard him say: “I’m not entitled to this but I should be, I only live just inside the boundary.” Larman later claimed he had nicked the food to “build rapport” with colleagues. He is now banned from applying for a job in any police force in Britain again. Larman, 20, was a Police Community Support Officer before starting his new role as a constable in January. But he quit after he was challenged about stealing the breakfasts. He had also been warned last year when he was caught nicking food before a training day.
Boner Candidate #2: EENEY MEANY, CHILI BEANY…THE SPIRITS WANT ALL YOUR MONEY.
ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. – A St. Augustine woman who is listed online as an international spiritual medium has been charged with exploiting an elderly person after investigators said she used over $180,000 of the victim’s money to start a business and for other personal use. Jackie Ronco, 30, is listed as a co-owner of the Purple Lotus on San Marco Avenue in St. Augustine, which was recently evicted for not paying rent. Ronco is also facing eviction from her home and has been sued by two credit card companies for failure to pay $3,600 in bills. Ronco’s relationship to the victim has been redacted from the arrest report, but the report indicates that she was the victim’s power of attorney and a signer on the victim’s bank account. The victim’s age has also been redacted but the report said she has suffered from dementia for many years. According to the report, Ronco put the victim in an assisted living facility and withdrew large sums of money from the victim’s investment accounts to pay for care. The report shows Ronco used the victim’s money for daily expenses, her children’s day care and to start a business.
Boner Candidate #3: I WAS WEARING A MASK AND KILLING TIME WAITING FOR THE A TRAIN
BROOKLYN, NY – Though wearing a mask, a man was not socially distanced from his partner as the couple had sex on a New York City subway platform, an underground encounter that was gleefully recorded and narrated by a construction worker from the other side of the tracks. Video of the incident, which began circulating online Wednesday, was shot recently in the Flushing Avenue station in Brooklyn. The clip shows a masked man positioned behind his partner, who is bending over next to a steel beam. At one point, the man filming the action declares, “Yeah, I don’t care. I don’t mind that shit. That shit is like PornHub to me.” After turning the phone to reveal his face, the cinematographer–who was wearing a mask and a reflective safety vest–shouted to the male half of the duo, “Have a good one, bro.” It is unclear what time of day the sex act occurred.
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